Phoenix, AZ - After a bonanza weekend at the box office in which the most anticipated movie of the year, The Dark Knight , took home the top prize with a record-breaking $155 million at the box office, Monday once again decided to show up and ruin the party.

“What the fuck is this shit,” said recent University of North Carolina graduate Michael Fuentes, who just started his first temp job early Monday morning at Legalzoom.com. “People really do this? Fuck this. I’m telling you, all I need is a good drummer for the band.”

The second day of the week is so dreaded that it is in fact the day when most Americans experience major health problems, specifically heart attacks. This is attributed to high blood pressure and anxiety over returning to work. Said accountant Aaron Pineda, “It’s happened to me before. All it takes is an alarm clock, an overdue pie chart, a pint of Butter Pecan, and BAM. On the floor.”

Even in pop culture, Monday has inspired such melancholy songs as “Manic Monday” by The Bangles and “Monday, Monday” by the Mamas and the Papas. Hatred for the day has even been captured by comic book characters.

“It’s a universal thing,” said wife and mother Marcy Lerner. “I hate them because I know my husband is going to take his job as a paralegal out on me when he comes home. My daughter hates them because she’s in that phase where she’s a huge bitch and is probably pregnant. And my two tabbies probably hate them the most because I swear to you they act just like Garfield. It’s hilarious!”

A recent scientific study found that the Monday blues could be cured if people stop sleeping in on the weekends, which disturbs the body’s clock.  Pissed, Michael Fuentes asked, “What’s the cure for a pussy scientist? Also, what and when is Hump Day?”