AMERICAN IDOL OVER, ABDUL BACK TO DRINKING W/O CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

HOLLYWOOD – Last night, David Cook was named the winner of American Idol ‘while Paula Abdul sipped her last Makers Mark Manhattan from her giant Coca Cola cup. ‘With ratings for the once prime-time juggernaut sagging this season, Paula ‘s drunken tirades were the only thing that kept most viewers watching.

“Paula being drunk on live TV is the only relatable character on the show,” said Helen Cosner of Delmar, NY. Cosner fondly recalled one of Abdul's faux pas, “Remember when she judged the kid with the dreads on two songs when he only sang one? The last time I was that wasted I had sex with my neighbor ‘s teenage son in a hammock in his backyard while his parents were out of town. Alls I am saying is, functioning when you ‘re drunk is hard, and she handles it with class. ‘

FOX executives claim this season ‘s lower numbers don't take into account DVR recordings. Lance Munson, self proclaimed pop culture addict from Charlottesville, VA, says he DVRs the show but fast-forwards through most of the performances to get to Abdul's nonsensical remarks right away. “My wife and I would rather watch Paula talk about 'what color the music is' than hear that young David gasping for air while he sings Mariah Carey's b-sides. I am one half on a very unhappy marriage and watching Paula helps me hate my life a little less. ‘

Fans of the show say that the anticipation between seasons is tough. “I wish Paula had her own show. It'd be hilarious to watch her stumble around through her day,” Diana Chun said. When told that Abdul's reality show, Hey Paula, aired for one season on Bravo, she remembered, “Oh yeah. Good times.”