My Best SNL Pitches

Uh-oh! ‘ How did my ‘Funny SNL Sketch Ideas!! ‘ journal find its way onto the Internet? ‘ WHO DID THIS?? ‘ Haha! ‘ J.K. ‘ I did!

I wanted everyone to know that while I may not have been in a ton of sketches I sure as shootin ‘ brought my signature ‘funny cause it ‘s true ‘/dark but with heart/acutely observational/she ‘s pretty and sometimes makes me laugh/silly but not stupid/bad-ass-she ‘s got a secret/oh no she didn ‘t! sensibility to the table my first 8 weeks on SNL. ‘

I ‘ll take you through my best pitches, host by host. ‘
I ‘ve also included some notes to self. * ‘

*My pitches didn ‘t make it to air because they were too edgy.

TINA FEY
I play a wacky OBGYN who fancies herself the ‘Liz Lemon ‘ of her hospital and ultimately is soooo incredibly wacky, Tina can no longer sit through the exam. ‘ She actually asks to see another doctor. ‘ (Funny site gags with me in between her legs, maybe I do the ‘pee-eww, what smells? ‘ gesture and fashion it into a visual catchphrase??!!)

ELLEN PAGE
Put your accents on parade by playing Ellen ‘s wacky mom. ‘ She says, ‘M-oooom ‘ with a funny lilt and I turn and mug to camera, which pushes in as I make a ‘what you see is what you get ‘ face. ‘ ‘ (I think that should happen a lot. ‘ Maybe I could have a crazy burnt sienna wig that gets laughs before I even speak??)

AMY ADAMS
Amy plays Clay Aiken and I do a funny/sexy dance in the background??? ‘ (I hope Amy likes me. ‘ Both Amy ‘s.) ‘ ‘

JONAH HILL
No ideas this week. ‘ (WHERE ‘S YOUR PENELOPE WILSON? ‘ GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OVER THE BREAK.)

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Kristen and I do a funny two-hander where she sets ’em up I knock ’em down. ‘ Figure out a way to shoehorn C.W. (hey! ‘ same initials) in. (Politely ask Kristen to write something sassy yet relatable and have her give me a voice to start from. ‘ Ask her to hang out???)

ASHTON KUTCHER
Pitch something Lorne can be in. ‘ Find a way to make out with Andy in a sketch that seems wacky but I don ‘t look TOO wacky.

SHIA LABEOUF
Shia In-the-buff?
Shia plays a Jimmy Buffett/Shia hybrid called Shimmy LaBuffett? ‘ (Fuck. ‘ Who will I be in this??)

STEVE CARELL
Season Finale. ‘ ‘ No concrete ideas. ‘ Part of an update piece where I come out and play a wacky gal who gets ribbed by Seth and Amy in that delightfully familiar fashion we know and love?? ‘ (Have fun with that dynamic ‘be a part of things for once!! ‘ Hug people tight during closing credits. ‘ Show America (and Mr. Lorne) you belong up there. ‘ Dance it out if no one is available to hug.)