Dina and Denise

Today I ‘d like to turn the focus away from me and onto two lovely ladies of the night. America ‘s own Dina Lohan and Denise Richards have flung wide their doors and in doing so wrapped up a present with my name on it. The gals, one more rode hard than the next, god love them, made their reality show debuts last night. Although I was four Chard ‘s deep at Birds you can better believe my TIVO was still on the clock.

Ah, Dina. You truly are ONE TOUGH MOTHER. As I watched you do your ‘thang I was reminded of a phrase my grandmother often said. ‘Casey, a loud laugh denotes a vacant mind. ‘ Dina, you and me both.

I had the pleasure of meeting Dina Lohan at the ‘ Made of Honor ‘ premiere in New York.

Don ‘t be jealous!!! I saw her sassy white pant suit from across the room and I knew what needed to happen. I begged my friend Whitney who was in the film to take our picture. Dina very courteously obliged, but juuuust before Whitney took the pic, Dina husky voiced it up in my ear, ‘You put this on My Space and I ‘ll fucking kill you. ‘ I giggled and threw my arm ’round her as if to say, ‘good one De De. ‘ She put her arm around me and said simply, ‘I ‘m not kidding. ‘ Whitney took the picture. Dina looks great. I look scared.

I would like to share with the FunnyorDie community an email I received today, word for word, from a very dear friend of mine, one Mr. Matt McConkey. He shares his immediate thoughts on the World Premiere of Living Lohan. Have a look:

‘Dina Lohan’s face is a vagina. Her mouth is an asshole. Poor Ali has taken all the wrong cues from Lindsay…so misguided…..she has overlooked any trace of cuteness or style that Lindsay ever had to offer and only picked up on the grizzled, haggard, ashtray qualities. By the time she’s 16 she’s going to look like a shriveled vag like Mom and sis. I like that the assistant obviously thinks they’re all complete idiots. And I like that Lindsay won’t even appear via speakerphone on the show. She’s got the right idea. ‘

Ah, Matt. Thank you for your scorching honesty and for saying what I could not.

Question for the FunnyorDie community: Can anyone clear up the oddball ad that features Dina and her daughter Ali for me? It looks to me like Ali is holding up a blush brush to her mom ‘s face. Has she just finished or is she starting her mom ‘s makeup and if so who, what, where, why and when? I welcome any and all thoughts regarding the goings on in this picture.

We ‘ve come to the end, dear reader and here we ‘ve barely touched on Denise. Sweet, simple Denise. Life truly is, so very complicated for you. Perhaps tomorrow we will be able to unpack Denise.