By: Casey Wilson
Today I sat down for an in depth interview conducted by my best friend and comedy-partner. I thought it would be much more personal if a true friend interviewed me. A friend who knows me better than anyone else. A friend who would be able to show the world who Casey Wilson really is in the most respectful way possible.
That friend is none other than June Diane Raphael !
My assistant Timone taped our interview and then transcribed it word for word. Enjoy peeking into my soul!
RAPHAEL ON WILSON
JUNE: Cathryn Wilson, It’s my deep honor and sincere pleasure to be interviewing you today—
CASEY: You know, June, you can call me by Casey, Cathryn is my given name, but everyone calls me Casey. You know that ‘
JUNE: Oh, sorry. Right of course. Let’s start over.
JUNE: Cassandra Wilson, it’s my deep honor and sincere pleas—
CASEY: June, just be normal. It’s Casey.
JUNE: My bad. Carrie Bradshaw, I’d love to ask a few questions of you. Questions I ‘along with your fans ‘have been dying to ask.
CASEY: Ok, shoot.
JUNE: Cassius Clay, you are a chameleon of stage and screen, you started performing with me at Ye Olde Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and now you are big time, on the Saturday Night Live. Out of all of the characters and skits you have been a part of, what is your favorite quality that I possess?
CASEY: I’m sorry?
Long pause. June appears frustrated.
JUNE: (this is said slowly as though talking to a retard) Out of all of the characters you have embodied, what is my prettiest feature. My eyes? Legs? What????
CASEY: Um, this is supposed to be an interview about me, June.
JUNE: Reeer. (said with an accompanying cat gesture). I’m just trying to give the people what they want to know. Fine. Sheesh, fame has really gotten to you. Carl Rove, it’s my understanding that you were born in October. Is it your understanding that I look like I could be younger than
CASEY: What?? You know you look older than ‘okay I ‘m not engaging you on questions about you when I asked you to interview ME. This is about ME for once.
JUNE: ‘ Got it. ‘ Carroll O ‘Connor, I think your public is wondering when my upcoming movie, ‘Year One ‘ will hit theatres.
CASEY: ‘ Ok, this is over. ‘ ‘ You are insane.
JUNE: ‘ JESUS WOMAN! ‘ ‘ OK! ‘ Cat Stevens, you recently admitted at dinner to having been fisted by a gentlman caller. ‘ ‘ Did your vagina stretch?
CASEY: ‘ We're done.
JUNE: ‘ Connie Chung!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘ DON'T LEAVE! ‘ I LOVE YOU! ‘ And I don't believe any of the rumors about you!
CASEY: ‘ What rumors?
JUNE: ‘ The ones about you going koo-koo bananas without me by your side every second of the day! ‘ ‘ Surely you could do without me. ‘ Or could you? ‘ DON ‘T LEAVE!!!
CASEY: ‘ June I ‘m not leaving. ‘ This is my house. ‘ YOU need to leave.
JUNE: ‘ Ask me anything and I'll answer it. ‘ ‘ I'll bare all, I'll testify on any subject, for you dear friend.
The girls solemnly and ceremoniously switch places on the couch. ‘ The interview restarts.
CASEY: ‘ Jerry O'connell ‘ it's my sincere pleasure and esteemed honor…
THIS HAS BEEN RAPHAEL ON WILSON.