BREAKING: Apple to Announce iPhone Exchange Policy at WWDC

PALO ALTO, CA- Apple’s annual World Wide Developers Conference is just around the corner and rumor has it Steve Jobs will unveil a new iPhone. Everyone knows the new model will have a 3G internet connection and GPS, but only a few Apple insiders know about the other exciting announcement Jobs is going to make: an exchange policy for old iPhones. Instead of just throwing away an old iPhone, the new exchange program suggests that people use their outdated hardware to go fuck themselves.

“It used to be people looked at their old devices as totally useless after any of our keynotes,” an anonymous Apple tipster revealed in an interview. “We’re trying to change that perception with this new policy.”

This cold and violating sensation consumers can look forward to isn’t totally foreign to members of the cult of Mac.

“I remember feeling like Apple screwed me over the last time I bought an iPod because they released a new one two days later,” says Brent Hemmingsmith of Marina Del Rey, California. “Now I can feel comfortable knowing I’m the one in control of just how hard I get boned. Like a lot of Mac users I go through my day acting like there’s something expensive stuck up my ass anyways, so it will be nice to finally have an explanation for my attitude.”

Stockholders that participate in the new exchange program are guaranteed points on the back end.