Tiger Woods Wins U.S. Open, Dads and Douchebags Everywhere Cheer

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In his 14th career major win, Tiger Woods became the 2008 U.S. Open champion in a 19-hole sudden death showdown with 45 year-old Rocco Mediate on Monday, causing wealthy alcoholics and their sons to rejoice.

Drinking Johnny Walker Black at the Torrey Pines Country Club, club member Donald Meechum said, “That was a real nail-biter, wasn ‘t it? My feet were sweating straight into my top-siders. I ‘m definitely going to stare at my high school track trophies tonight and then make my wife have sex with me. ‘

Woods won the title with a badly injured knee, and pushed ahead to upset Mediate after an 18-hole tie.

“Tiger Woods is a goddamned legend in this sport. He doesn ‘t give up, even when he ‘s injured, ‘ said lawyer and golf enthusiast Russell Leachman while drinking a neat Maker ‘s Mark. “Even when his secretary accuses him of sexual harassment. Even when his son is addicted to cocaine. Even when his wife is sleeping with her trainer. ‘

Southern Methodist University Golf Club President Clay Hunt was playing beer pong with his fraternity when he heard the news. Angling his white baseball cap he said, “Thank God. A lot of us here are always worried that we come across as racist because we don ‘t have any black guys in our frat. ‘ Popping up his American Eagle polo collar he continued, “But we really like Tiger, so this makes everyone feel good. ‘