Martha Stewart Banned From U.K., Food in England Remains Terrible

London, England ‘ On Friday homemaking advocate-criminal Martha Stewart was forbidden to enter England where she was expected to make a speech at the Royal Academy. A U.K. official simply stated, “We continue to oppose the entry of individuals who might come in with food that is not completely disgusting. ‘

Forcing herself to cry, a shaken Martha Stewart told reporters, “I was going to take my wonderful pistachio fig biscotti and my summer tomatoes stuffed with grilled corn salad. But I guess they took issue with that. I ‘m destroyed! Does anyone have a Mexican I can punch? Or run over? ‘

The people of England seem to have sided with their country over the decision. A street harlot with coal on her cheeks and a faded rose in her matted hair screamed, “Keep ‘er out of ‘ere! I won ‘t have her prettyin ‘ up me Marmite or me barley water. ‘ Lifting her skirt and curtsying she continued, “I ‘spose it would be nice to have a fancy man find me, maybe have a son of my own to love. ‘

Eating freshly picked beets over dinner, national treasure Dame Judi Dench concurred with the street whore. Flashing her signature grey gums, Dench said, “I ‘ve been living off raw root vegetables, cow tongue and flack for doing “The Chronicles of Riddick ‘ for years, and I don ‘t need interference. Ms. Stewart should not consider herself at home. ‘

The Royal Family could not be reached for comment on the matter. Chuckling to herself, Press Secretary Penny Smith said, “The Queen is busy eating clotted cream. Clotted cream that her husband Prince Philip makes. Do you get my drift? ‘