By: FOD Wire

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Starbucks To Close 600 U.S. Stores: Expect Consequences


1. It's going to be harder to go to a Starbucks and look across the street to see another Starbucks.

2. Middle-aged women will have to go somewhere else to buy their CDs.

3. More room for retailers we need, like Pinkberry, Jamba Juice and Dog Bakeries.

4. I'll have to go back to not knowing how to make my own coffee instead of paying Starbucks to not know how to make my coffee.

5. The brief, decadent era when heavily tattooed and pierced baristas had health insurance will end.

6. 600 sad, middle aged, divorced men will have to go to independently owned caf ‘s to hit on female employees.

7. Aspiring screen-writers will have to pen sci-fi sexcapades at home.

8. Crazy homeless guy will have to go back to talking to himself at bus stop.

9. 600 fewer public restrooms.

10. Third World coffee plantation workers will now be exploited by different mulit-national corporations.

11. Post Alcoholics Anonymous meetings will now be held in church parking lots.

12. 1200 fewer employees will force you to say “tall, venti,” and “grande” instead “small, medium” ‘ and “large” like some kinda jerk.

13. Jake-O and Bodie can no longer stoke you a mocha even though you get them high ALL THE FUCKINTIME!!

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