By: Bryan Safi
It ‘s Independence Day (Will Smith Day)! It ‘s hard to believe that 232 years ago, George Washington (Will Smith) led thousands of colonists to revolution and independence from England. That can only mean one thing, PARTY!!! But, before we all get daytime wasted tomorrow, here are a few tips for July 4th.
1. ILLEGAL FIREWORKS CAN KILL YOU. This is true. I have heard that it is. Just ask this guy . Also, it ‘s so not fair to do illegal things on a day celebrating America.
2. BARBEQUES ARE FOR FAT PEOPLE. July 5th is notorious for people breaking up with their significant others because they couldn ‘t stop eating mayo-based foods on the 4th. To avoid the food, just stay at home. There ‘s a lot to be said for Law & Order: SVU marathons.
3. WEAR AMERICAN FLAG CLOTHING. When I was 12, my Mom bought me a swimsuit that was just a pattern of the American Flag. I wore that swimsuit every July 4th until I was 17 and my mother thought I was one cool cat.
4. CONSTITUTION DAY. Give a care. It ‘s September 17th and gets zero recognition.
5. STAY COUNTRY. Try to listen to as much Toby Keith as possible. It boosts patriotism. Four summers ago I dated a guy who had never heard of Jimmy Carter. I also just assumed he had never heard of Brooks & Dunn. Excuse me, Brooks & We ‘re Done.
6. HAVE FUN! But follow all these tips.
HAPPY 4TH, AMERICA (WILL SMITH)!