Who Did What Over the Three-Day Weekend

A-Rod: ‘ Declared independence from his wife.

A-Rod's Wife: ‘ Started process to emancipate millions of dollars from A-Rod's bank account.

California Wildfires: ‘ BBQ'd the central coast of California.
Madonna: ‘ Denied rumors that's she's ‘getting a divorce from Guy Ritchie.
Guy Ritchie: ‘ Begged and pleaded with Madonna not to divorce him.
You: Peed in the pool.
Boston: ‘ Got wicked fuckin' sunburned after getting wicked fuckin' drunk and falling asleep in the sun wicked fuckin' hard. Then got into a fight.
John McCain and Barack Obama: ‘ Got drunk, had bottle-rocket fight.
George W. Bush: ‘ Got drunk.
Rafael Nadal: ‘ Cooked Roger Federer.
Meat and Beer: ‘ Spent weekend being the best things ever invented.