DNA TESTS CLEAR JONBENET’S FAMILY, AWKWARD APOLOGIES POUR IN

By Phil Mason

BOULDER, CO – New DNA tests cleared JonBenet Ramsey’s parents and brother as suspects in her 1996 killing. Although they maintained their innocence, suspicion hung over the family since the six year old beauty queen was slain more than a decade ago. Today, many of the Ramsey’s former friends are apologizing for not being supportive throughout the investigation.

Marla Bittles, the Ramsey’s neighbor at the time of the murder, immediately stopped talking to the Ramseys. “We used to play Trivial Pursuit together every Thursday night, but after little JonBenet was killed the only trivia question I wanted answered was when were these murderers going to jail?” Since news of their innocence, Marla sent a basket of Swiss chocolates to apologize, “What’s the right way to say ‘sorry, I thought you were a killer’?”

“I was best friends with John Ramsey since grade school. We tried cigarettes for the first time together – among other things!” says Carl Peterson, a life long friend until after the murder. Peterson says John started acting strangely, “I thought it was because he was guilty. I guess he was just sad. I’m definitely going to apologize. I’m just not sure how to start that conversation. Awkward city!”

Janice England was head of the PTA at a school in Marietta, an Atlanta suburb, where the Ramseys moved after JonBenet’s death. England admits she was less than welcoming, “I straight up banned them from participating. Patsy showed up one week with a string bean casserole and we had her removed from the building. I just care about children. I guess the Ramseys do too. Sorry.”

John Ramsey’s line was busy and could not be reached for comment.