By: Danielle Schneider

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I need you!!

Since this is my last post, I thought I ‘d pose some really important questions that have been taxing my brain as of late. Why must these mysteries haunt me so?!!!

-Why will they only let Ron Pearlman play monsters? Yeah, he ‘s kind of fucked up and crazy looking, but so is Tori Spelling and they don ‘t make her put on a lion mane.

-Do hot jailbait girls really wear long socks with their bathing suits? I know American Apparel thinks they do, but It seems highly weather inappropriate for a hot day at the beach.


-What is Lil ‘ Mama actually saying when she judges ‘America ‘s Best Dance Crew? ‘ She uses phrases like ‘Doin ‘ your biz ‘ and ‘it ‘s poppin ‘ and ‘Shorty ‘s got the goodz ‘ but I still can ‘t make out one complete sentence. Maybe she ‘s using some sort of weird language that, like those new cell phone rings, no one over eighteen can hear.

‘-Can anyone tell Brooke and Linda Hogan apart? ‘


They both have Barbie hair, they're both made of leather, and they ‘ve both had their asses rubbed by the Hulk. ‘


Which one is the mom?

-Does Audrina from The Hills eyes open any wider? Maybe she ‘s super tired or her eyelids are really fat so she can ‘t lift them, but it ‘s hard to tell when she ‘s surprised or sleeping, so I ‘d really like to know.

-How is Amy Winehouse still alive? She ‘s done ten times her weight in crack and her body is so toxic that her face is literally starting to eat itself. Also- what ‘s her favorite color?

If you know the answers to any of these quandaries, please let me know, maybe then I can finally get some sleep.

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