By: Nick Thune
Dear Glenn Michaels,
I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits.
We have never met before; although, I have been trying to track you down for some time. The reason I know your name is from all YOUR MAIL that gets delivered to my house everyday of the week. ‘ Besides Sunday.
At first I thought it was a common mistake by an overworked/underpaid United States Postal Service. ‘ But, after asking my fe-mail man, I found out you used to live here. ‘ She didn't know anything else about you.
No forwarding address? ‘ You are one slippery cat, Glenn. ‘ Google hasn't heard of you. ‘ Searching your name on yahoo made my internet application unexpectedly quit.
Who is Glenn Michaels? ‘ Not only a great question, also my IM screen name. Here are a few things I've learned about you so far:
1. Nordstrom lover! ‘ They alert you every time another half year goes by. ‘ (If it wasn't for Nordstrom's air-tight security and loyal employees, I would have had your phone number a long time ago.)
2. It's time for an oil change. ‘ You have received at least 10 notices.
3. The Thai food place down the street has a new menu. ‘ Also, they still don't take personal checks.
4. YOU REALLY NEED TO PAY YOUR AMERICAN EAGLE CARD.
So, Glenn, I'm shooting from the hip. ‘ I don't want to cause you any harm, invade your privacy, or even touch you. ‘ I just want to get all this important ‘ mail to you as soon as possible.
One other thing, I used to get cards from your mom every week. ‘ Now, nothing. ‘ I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I think you're mom forgot your address. ‘ Or she might be dead.
PS. Is that red stain in the Master Bedroom really sharpie like the realtor said?