FOD’S GUIDE TO COMIC-CON 2008

This weekend, comic book fans descend upon the San Diego Convention Center for Comic-Con 2008. FunnyorDie presents a guide to the can’t-miss events at this year’s convention:

10:00 – 11:30 – Comic-Con’s Mandatory Guide to Personal Hygiene: A compulsory morning tutorial on the basics of bathing, deodorant application, and oral hygiene.

11:30 – 1:30 – DC vs. Marvel Cagematch: Legendary writers and artists including Stan Lee, Alex Ross, Kurt Busiek, and Frank Miller settle the age-old debate between Marvel and DC Comics with a no-holds-barred fistfight to the death. Spoiler Alert- Stan Lee killed in first round.

1:30 – 2:30 – How to Draw Huge Boobs: A master class on drawing large, glistening, perfectly spherical breasts and rock hard nipples with artists Greg Horn and Gen 13 ‘s J. Scott Campbell.

2:30 – 3:30 – The Pre-Battlestar-Galactica Career of Edward James Olmos: Veteran actor Olmos discusses his roles in Stand and Deliver , American Me , and Selena . (Battlestar Galactica will not be discussed under any circumstances.)

4:00 – 5:00 – An Hour with a Crazy Bearded Guy Pretending to be Alan Moore: That weirdo who usually hangs out at the Coffee Bean across the street answers questions as Alan Moore. Topics covered: the upcoming Watchman movie, how the government is putting chips in all our brains.

5:00 – 6:00 – Industrial Light and Magic Presents A Tribute to Ron Perlman’s Face : ILM honors the visage of venerable character actor Perlman as the greatest special effect of all.

6:00 – 9:00 – Daily Dark Knight Break: Convention center vacated as attendees go see The Dark Knight for 8th time this week.

9:30 – 10:30 – Piggyback Rides On R. Crumb: During this rare public appearance, attendees are welcome to ride legendary cartoonist R. Crumb around the auditorium. Selected participants will receive an invitation to stomp around Crumb’s hotel room wearing shiny black boots. (Event admission exclusive to thick-legged women.)

10:30 – 11:00 – Harry Knowles and the Art of Internet Hyperbole: Aint-It-Cool-News.com’s Knowles explains how you too can write about movies like The Incredible Hulk and Speed Racer like they are the greatest films since Citizen Kane .

11:00 – 12:00 – Support Group for Victims of “Childhood Rape”: Fans of Transformers , Dr. Seuss , Star Wars , Indiana Jones meet in a safe, non-judgmental environment to share how Hollywood has brutally ravaged their childhood memories with traumatizing sequels and remakes. (BONUS! Exclusive footage of next year’s most anticipated trauma: G.I. Joe !)

12:00 – 5:00am – “It Used to be About the Comics” Round Table: Marathon bitch session near the dumpsters where longtime convention attendees talk nostalgically about how cool Comic-Con was before it sold out to bullshit Hollywood phonies.