By: Brian Finkelstein
My name is Brian Finkelstein. And since you have no idea who the hell I am, here are some very recent, and very true, things about me:
* I turn 40 on the day of the next presidential election (Nov. 4, 2008). I think this is proof that I am important and that the world is gonna end on that day.
* I am not depressed, in fact I ‘m kind of happy lately ‘ but this week I watched ‘Billy Elliot ‘ and ‘My Girl ‘ back to back, and unironically cried for four hours.
* I am kind of broke at the moment. But I spent $200 at Whole Foods and ate $65 worth of Bri, Pro chuttio, and wine on Thursday. I may be broke, but I ‘m not uncivilized.
* I found out last week, that there ‘s an 85% chance that a girl I had sex with is pregnant with my baby. And she ‘s decided to keep the baby, but she lives in NY and I live in LA. I have told no one about this, but feel OK telling all of you that im gonna be a dad.
(Yes, I met Lauren Bacall. When I worked at Kiehl ‘s in NY, she used to come it the store to shop. She would smoke while in the store and if anyone asked her to put it out, she would smile, walk away, and keep smoking.)
* One of the first ‘Comedy ‘ shows I did was tour with these people. It ‘s why I can ‘t ever stop drinking. I put on wigs and funny sunglasses and sometimes a dress, all just so I could make 80 year old women in Florida laugh ‘ for $50 a show. I am forever embarrassed by it:
* I am a writer but can not spell or do the grammar thing. As in every tenth e-mail or IM or Text, I send to someone they respond, ‘Are you drunk? ‘ .
* I was kind of a jerk to the last person I dated, and she deserved better than me. She was pretty amazing and I just realized that. Our fist date was at an Orthodox Shabbat and we had almost-sex in someone ‘s bedroom while everyone else was still eating. Again, I am 39 years old.
* My Dad and his wife Susan and their two kids (my half brother and half-sister) Russ and Jamie are kind of going crazy. They made this video recently.
* I sincerely hope today is the best day of your life.