Drunk Driving Charges Dropped for LaBeouf, Car Transformed

With his signature open-mouthed expression, LaBeouf stated, “Look, I can't be any clearer than how crystal clear I am being. It just stood up. Being wasted and a millionaire had nothing to do with this.”

A joint investigation by the Los Angeles Police Department and the California State Department of Transportation confirmed that the accident occurred when LaBeouf's truck mistook an oncoming car for Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. LaBeouf's truck believed the oncoming car was carrying the “All Spark,” a cube from space that has the power to give life to inanimate objects. What is unclear, according to investigators, is the exact identity of the Decepticon who posed as LaBeouf's truck.

A DOT spokesperson issued this statement: “Based on an analysis of the alloys found at the scene it is believed that the truck/Decepticon in question is either Megatron, Scorponok or a previously unseen evil space robot named Alcoholitron-LeDouche.”