By: Brian Finkelstein

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i broke up with a 14-year-old today!

Over 4 months ago at work, I had to write some ‘funny’ interviewquestions for the final 12 American Idol contestants. We were going to some red-carpet thing and Ihad to feed questions to someone who was gonna interview them.

Since I hadn ‘t seen the show and all I knew about it wasthat Paula was a drunk, and Simon was a dick, I IM ‘d with my cousin thinkingmaybe she would know more than I would about this stuff (she ‘s in her 20 ‘s andreads ‘those ‘ magazines) . She directedme to another cousin, and eventually I was on IM ‘ing with Farah.

Farah was the friend, of the daughter, of my cousin Bobby, wholives in Floridaand who I ‘ve seen maybe twice in the last 15 years. Farah is 14 years-old, she ‘s in Jr. HighSchool. And I have never met her. BUT, she could write. Within an hour, Farah had not only answeredmy questions ‘ she had spell checked what I wrote. She was funny, smart, and to the point. She more or less did my job. I thanked her and that was that.

The next day the event was what it was. Cameras, pretty people happy for themselves,a few moments of sincerity, some real good shrimp wrapped in bacon, two glassesof good Vodka, and a goody bag of stuff I ‘ll never use (including American Idolunderwear, CD ‘s, and stickers.) What thehell is wrong with these people?

Then a week later and I get a MySpace request from Farah.


How ‘d it go?!?!?!? I think your life sounds socooooooooool. Do U have agirlfriend?!?!?!?!


It ‘s late, I ‘m a little buzzed, and I respond.

No one thinks my life is cool! But thanks, you made my day. And no I don ‘t have a girlfriend. Do you have a boyfriend?


This was where I may have made a mistake. Specifically the, ‘do you have a boyfriend? ‘ part. The next day at work there ‘s some awkward flirting by her via IM and Iblock her from my buddy list. Then a fewdozen MySpace messages which I don ‘t respond to ‘ and then a week later I getflowers delivered to my house with a note that says,

‘Just thinking of you. ‘

Xxoo Farah.

OK. Five things.

  1. Ihave sent flowers to a lot of women over the years, and this is the first timeanyone ever sent them to me. ‘ I was flatteredand really liked them. ‘ They weren ‘t acheep bouquet; they were real interesting and pretty. ‘ I put in a vase and they stayed fresh lookingon my table for over a week
  2. Howdoes a 14-year-old have enough $, or a credit card to send flowers? ‘
  3. Howdid she get my address?
  5. Howold was Natalie Portman in, ‘Beautiful Girls ‘?

I sent a MySpace message


OK. Thanks for the flowers, they ‘re real nice. But I am much, much older than you and it ‘sprobably inappropriate that we keep on talking. Thanks again for all your help and the flowers, and good luck.


Now as you can probably tell from this blog thing, I writelike I talk, and when it comes to grammar and such stuff I am a retarded.

What I get back from her is this message:


To quote you: ‘But Iam much, much older than you and it ‘s probably inappropriate that wekeep on talking. ‘


You are soooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now what?

First, I delete her as a friend on my MySpace page, eventhough I ‘m 39 and should ‘ve just deleted my whole profile.

Second, I call my cousin whose daughter is friends withFarah and ask him to talk to her parents. My cousin Bobby laughs at me, telling me that his 14 year-old daughteris boy crazy and that I have no idea what it ‘s like being a father to a teenagegirl. I agree, and laugh at him. Then I hear nothing for over three months.

But today almost 5 moths since the original American Idolthing I get a call from Farah ‘s father. He calls to tell me that he appreciates me calling my cousin and tellinghim to talk to him and that I did the right thing. Then he goes on to tell me that Farah and himhad an agreement that if she didn ‘t call, IM, text, e-mail, MySpace message oranything else with me for over 100 days, that he would let her call me to saygoodbye. Apparently it ‘s been 100 days,today. So, he puts Farah on the phone,and all she says is. “Goodbye. ‘ Then theyhang up.

So ‘ I guess I ‘msingle again.

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