SUMMER NEARS END BUT STILL TOO HOT TO HAVE SEX

Austin, TX ‘ Although summer is coming to a close with schools beginning their fall semesters in a matter of weeks, it is still believed that temperatures are entirely too high to get a good lay.

“I just can ‘t do it right now. My boyfriend ‘s sweat gets in my eyes, and it stings. And he breathes heavier and it feels like a rain forest on my face, ‘ said 28 year-old Eanes Elementary Spanish teacher Katherine Suarez. “But my boyfriend likes it cuz he says his balls look bigger in heat. ‘

Although movies such as 9 ‘ Weeks and Body Heat glamorize fornication in a scorcher, in reality it simply isn ‘t that sexy. Summer-specific issues such as sunburns and unusually musty ball odor come into play.

University of Texas Junior Ted Casey knows first-hand. “My girlfriend won ‘t give me head to save my life. She said it smells like a Goodwill Store. Specifically, she said that it smells like the Goodwill was flooded and left alone for a week to dry out. So I guess from June-September her mouth is ‘for drinking mojitos and smoking menthol cigarettes only. ‘ It blows. Haha. Or doesn ‘t. ‘

Even many parents, whose children typically go to summer camps, may see an increase in libido but a decrease in performance. Tired mother of three Donna Haskell said, “I get too tired. I just want to lay down and not have anyone touch me. Plus, I get heat rashes in the summer and very dry skin. It just falls off if someone rubs against me, let alone anything further. And who wants my dead, dry skin falling in their face? ‘