Breaking Down the Bailout Bill

On Friday, the US Congress approved a $700 billion dollar bailout of the beleaguered US financial sector. Here is a detailed breakdown of the bailout bill:

$2,000 for Congress to throw kick-ass post-Bailout party.

$1 billion goes to cast of Oliver’s Stone’s “Wall Street”.

$14,500 for Sarah Palin’s annual subscription to all known newspapers and magazines.

$100 billion in unmarked bills to be placed into a plain envelope and left under the bridge at the east side of Central Park at 2:00am. Come alone.

$40 billion to make up for years of Washington Mutual’s foolhardy free checking. Damn you, WaMu!

$800,000 for purchase of rape kits for Alaska. (Rape kits, sold at double the wholesale value, will eventually turn profit.)

$7.75 petty cash for Barney Frank’s Burger King Value Meal purchased during bailout negotiations.

$48 billion for AIG Insurance. (Geez, they should have had some insurance of their own. Am I right, people?)

$500 billion goes to fucking you in the ass.