More like GROSS-tees! Heyoooooo!

Day 3

Trebuchet MS is the font.

First off, we really need to get those comment numbers up FOD Blog fans. Even if you think I suck hippo balls, post a comment. Earlier today, there were 2 comments and now one has been removed! WTF- which mean “what the fuck” BTW. I mean thus far Went is doing all the heavy commenting, and from the looks of his profile pictures, he is not in the best of health to be doing all the work. People, let’s do this.

So I have noticed a few male acquaintances, friends- all of whom now have a child and are now or approaching forty- are now sporting goatees. It strikes me that this might be their subtle middle age rebellion gesture. Not as bad as getting a Ferrari, or going the other way and getting a recumbent bike, but still it is upsetting to me.

I am now 40 and I admit I have had my moments of gripping to the image of youth. A friend identified my new jacket my wife picked out for me as a “cool guy jacket”. It’s got epaulettes- those useless shouder strap that would serve a purpose if I was holding my c-rations or ammo clips up there. Instead these cool guy epaulettes symbolically hold what my goatee used to hold. And food doesn’t get stuck in them.

I had a goatee, back in college. But this was waaaay back in the early 90’s. Back when the goatee was the present day equivalent of the Rasputin beards thatindie kids are sporting. But those were different times. Grunge wasking. We were Generation X. Wifi did not exist. And as such, having ananus like ring of hair around your mouth was cool. It was a statement. It said, “Yeah… what? Pshh. Whatevs. Laaaaaater… Eddie Vedder.”

Few, if any, men look good in grosstees. (Remember the clever blog title?) They make everyone look like they run a limo service or they want to be cast as the bad guy in a SCiFi original film. But I guess when Father Time comes a knocking and makes the middle flesh a bit looser, when the random prostate health article becomes of interest to you, then why not draw the eye to a Monk’s Tonsure placed around your yapper, just for the sake of dignity and pride. Why not? Because.

Look at Mr. Rick Springfield:

Gorgeous man. No need to hide your beautiful march towards older age behind what looks to be a charcoal rendering of a goatee. The only sign of youth with this is that he looks like a he has a fifteen year old boys face fuzz shorn down to a stubly notion of a hair circle.

And another red flag:

I can understand that he is doing something facial-hairic because he is badlbaldbaldybald, but to me the fact that Howie Mandel rocks a goatee attractive should make anyone take scalding hot motor oil to the area around their mouth and burn the flesh so that no hair will EVER grow there. (However, the double earring? Rock solid. Always a good look. AL-WAYS.)

I just don’t want my friends to start to wear bomber jackets and aged denim dress jeans, because a goatee is a gateway… thing. I like the idea that you just sort of start to gently dull down as you age and you’re fine with that. No shame in it. Less fuss. You’re becoming at peace with yourself. It’s dignified.

All that being said, I am all for self tanning lotion and anal bleaching until the day I die.