By: FOD Wire

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Your New Years Resolutions

Trimming Your Pubes When Your Drunk
You come home from the bar ‘all buzzed and horny and you think you'll
make yourself “presentable” by grooming in the same state that your
next lover will be in ‘.just doesn't work. Do it in the sober light of
Don't :
Care about going to the gym. Every year you say “this is the year I
get in sick shape!” and from January 4th to February 1st you're a
maniac at the gym ‘but then you get busy and it all fizzles out and you
feel worse than you did before. Fuck it. Admit that you're not a gym
person. Don't be gross and eat a tub of sour cream for ‘ breakfast but
don't try to bullshit a bullshitter either and just be honest: You're
a litle fat.
Less. Right after that New Years Party ‘.cut back on the good
times ‘.Oh, and after that ski trip over Presidents Day weekend ‘..and
your sisters engagement party..GOTTA get fucked up for that ‘.And-
Better. Seriously dude, are you, in Jr. High? ‘ Kick it up a notch.
Getting high and going to the dog park. You don't even have a dog.
Writing down your movie ideas! Don't let there be a repeat of the
“Marley And Me” fiasco.
That One Man Band you've been talking about for so long.
You've got the bass drum with shoulder straps, you've got the
knee-symbols and the elbow drum sticks you've got kazoo and the Dr.
Seuss hat. C'mon!
To Demetri and Sheila. Seriously man, that was NOT COOL.
Googling yourself. It's starting to seem like you're stalking that
chiropractor who's got the same name as you but is way more

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