Excerpt from the Real Transcript of Bush’s Final Press Conference

BUSH: ‘ Thank you. ‘ We have been through a lot together. As I look to
the room, I see Jake, Mike Herman, Ann Compton. Just seemed like
yesterday that ‘ that I was on the campaign trail and you were
analyzing my speeches and my policies. And so, I am interested in
answering some of your questions and I want to say thank you for the
job.
QUESTION: I'm wondering if you plan to ask Congress for the remaining
$350 billion in bailout money?
BUSH: No, no, no, now you see, that's really not on my radar, y'know?
I've been planning for quite a while what I would do during my last
few days uh ‘. in office.
QUESTION: Well, what is it?
BUSH: I'm gonna take ‘ take a shit in the middle of the oval office.
CHATTER
QUESTION: Can you repeat that, Mr. President?
BUSH: I'm gonna take a shit in the middle of the oval office. I've
been thinking about it for a while and that's what I want to do: drop
a steamy one ‘ a big steamy one – right on the crest of the United
States of America.
QUESTION: Mr. President, you can't be serious.
BUSH: Oh, I'm quite serious. In fact, this is one of the first times I
am being serious. I'm pro-DEUCEing right on that rug Bill Clinton
loves so much and there is nothing you can do about it.
QUESTION: Mr. Bush, we're trying to have a serious press conference
here. The people have a right know what exactly you're doing for your
last days in office.
BUSH: And I'm telling them: come my last day, there's gonna be some
major dooks in the middle of the floor. Also, I'm locking all of the
bathroom doors from the inside. Finally, I'm removing the “F” and ‘ “U”
keys on everyone's keyboard. This is gonna be just like my last days
at Yale, minus the dead work-study student.