By: Joe Hartzler

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17 Things

I’ve noticed this odd little trend as of late that goes like this:

“Jessica Hartzler tagged you in her note 25 RANDOM THINGS.”


“Billy Freshmanstranger mentioned you in his note 25 RANDOM THINGS.”


“Your former girlfriend tagged you in the album, THE RICH AND FULFILLING LIFE I NOW LEAD WITHOUT YOU”

First of all, ALL CAPS IS LIKE SHOUTING. Next of all, you didn’t mention me anywhere in your note. Final of all, I get it, you’re a smart and attractive pop-savvy music-enthusiast with small town values, excellent taste in literature, hipster friends and a sensibly Christian world view that is neither mystical nor imperialistic, but hinged upon three pillars: Love. Wisdom. Grace. And attractive. And smart.

Alright, the point is not that hip protestants make excellent lovers, the point is that I am unveiling a brand spanking new list of 17 Things, but this list has nothing to do with the above-referenced trend running rampant on the popular social networking utility, Facebook. 17 Things (More Important than What You Are Thinking About Right Now) was originally conceived by my good friend Cool Dave and myself almost 10 years ago and became a fixture in our self-published zine, The Dreamers Well. Circulation was limited, but exclusivity was our strongest selling point.

And now, the list that brought such classics as, “Table-Tennessee Williams,” “Bilge pump,” and, “What if turtles came through the window?” presents:


17. The Curious Case of Slum Doubt Wrestler Button
16. Product
15. Spacemountain
14. The pot called the kettle the N Word
13. What if everyone is just kidding?
12. Davenport o’ call
11. Fallaffle Iron
10. Bob’s you’re uncle. And he’s going to be staying with us for a little awhile.
9. Where were you prepositioned at?
8. Kentucky Fried Coward
7. spin-class
6. George Bush
5. A pie chart of world hunger seems unnecessarily cruel.
4. An ol’ sack of microprocessors
3. No Doubt
2. Robust interface
1. The man in the brown derby was trampled by horses.

Stay tuned for my next entry, “Barack Obama = iPhone.”

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