By: Funny Or Die
Posing as ExxonMobil and National Petroleum Council (NPC) reps, the aforementioned Yes Men have struck again. ‘ 300 oilmen at the GO-EXPO, Canada's largest oil conference was held in Stampede Park in Calgary, Alberta were introduced to Vivoleum.
'Vivoleum” was introduced in a speech during the conference which was hailed as one of the highlights of this years conference, complete with 20,000 attendees. ‘ The “NPC rep” was on top to deliver resuts from a study commissioned by the US Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman. ‘ The NPC is headed by former ExxonMobil CEO Lee Raymond, who is also the chair of the study.
The “NPC rep” that came to speak was Shepard Wolff, better known as Andy Bichlbaum of the Yes Men. In his speech he announced that current U.S and Canaian energy policies (most notably the massive, carbon-intensive exploitation of Alberta's oil sands, and the development of liquid coal) are increasing the chances of huge global calamities. ‘ He reassured the audience that in the worst case scenario, the oil industry could “keep fuel flowing” by transforming the billions of people who die into oil.
“We need something like whales, but infinitely more abundant,” said “NPC rep” “Shepard Wolff” (actually Andy Bichlbaum), before describing the technology used to render human flesh into a new Exxon oil product called Vivoleum. 3-D animations of the process brought it to life.
“Vivoleum works in perfect synergy with the continued expansion of fossil fuel production,” noted “Exxon rep” “Florian Osenberg” (Yes Man Mike Bonanno). “With more fossil fuels comes a greater chance of disaster, but that means more feedstock for Vivoleum. Fuel will continue to flow for those of us left.”
The oilmen listened to the lecture with attention, and then lit “commemorative candles” supposedly made of Vivoleum obtained from the flesh of an “Exxon janitor” who died as a result of cleaning up a toxic spill. The audience only reacted when the janitor, in a video tribute, announced that he wished to be transformed into candles after his death, and all became crystal-clear.
A Special Tribute to Reggie
At this point, Simon Mellor, Commercial&Business Development Director for the company putting on the event, strode up and physically forced the Yes Men from the stage. As Mellor escorted Bonanno out the door, a dozen journalists surrounded Bichlbaum, who, still in character as “Shepard Wolff,” explained to them the rationale for Vivoleum.
“Without oil we could no longer produce or transport food, and most of humanity would starve. That would be a tragedy, but at least all those bodies could be turned into fuel for the rest of us. We're not talking about killing anyone,” added the “NPC rep.”
“We're talking about using them after nature has done the hard work. After all, 150,000 people already die from climate-change related effects every year. That's only going to go up – maybe way, way up. Will it all go to waste? That would be cruel.”
Security guards then dragged Bichlbaum away from the reporters, and he and Bonanno were detained until Calgary Police Service officers could arrive. The policemen, determining that no major infractions had been committed, permitted the Yes Men to leave.
“Putting the former Exxon CEO in charge of the NPC, and soliciting his advice on our energy future, is like putting the wolf in charge of the flock,” said “Shepard Wolff” (Bichlbaum). “Exxon has done more damage to the environment and to our chances of survival than any other company on earth. Why should we let them determine our future?”