By: Eli Braden

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Modern Proverbs, Volume 1

Give a fly some shit, he eats for a day. Teach a fly to shit, he eats for a lifetime.

You can lead a horse to, but you can’t make him link.

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, ‘Whoa! That was close!’

When life gives you lemons, flour, salt, white wine vinegar, vegetable oil, chicken broth, lemon curd, scallions, and cubed chicken breast meat, make lemon chicken.

Same shit, different day (yesterday all I ate was my own feces).

Life begins at 40. So if you’re on trial for murdering someone aged 39 or younger, just tell the judge you were performing an abortion.

Genius is 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration. That’s why men who smell like Right Guard Sport are so dumb.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t get stoned (especially if there’s a cop walking by).

Success is the best revenge. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Therefore, success is a dish best served cold.

The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. That way you don’t have to break through the ribcage.

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