By: Dan Abramson
5 Major Events Unreported At Gathering Of The Juggalos
Gallagher Beaten to Death With His Own Mallet
Killed by the thing he loved the most. The watermelon was left unharmed.
A Seminar On Exactly How Magnets Work
While they captivated the packed house a with powerpoint presentation, a panel discussion, and a Q & A, it wasn't until Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope brought out actual magnets for a demonstration that the crowd was riveted. Said J: “Fucking magnets. This is how they work.”
Violent J Won The Wet T-Shirt Contest
By a landslide. There's nothing more attractive than a John Goodman doppleganger doused in discount soda.
Someone Got Stabbed
Okay, this one's actually true. And in all seriousness, there's nothing funny about concert-goers dressed as clowns stabbing people while in a Faygo frenzy. Nothing. However, the fact that nobody seemed to flinch at this is just flat-out ridiculous. A stabbing? C'mon. What is this, Comic-Con?
Juggalos Officially Deemed Parody Of Themselves
There's a fine line between rap/nu-metal (is that still a thing?) enthusisasts who enjoy stabbing people while enjoying the music that brings them together and fake people who can't possibly be anything but figments of our imagination. But right around the time feces and rocks were thrown at someone who was invited there for the sole purpose of entertaining them, that line got blurred. An announcement was made. Juggalos are now officially parodies of themselves.
