By: Dan Abramson

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Further Proof That Alvin Greene Is The Best

If you’re unfamiliar with the saga of Senate candidate Alvin Greene, let’s bring you up to speed.

  • An unemployed, homeless man won the Democratic primary in South Carolina after not campaigning at all, or even really telling anyone he was running for Senate.
  • There were many theories as to how Greene won, one of which is that people voted for him because his name sounded like Al Green. (This is all true. I am not making this up.)
  • His plan for stimulating the economy of South Carolina is to make action figures of himself. Again, sounds made up. Things this awesome don’t just happen, right? Oh, they do. And they get better…
  • He was recently indicted on obscenity charges after showing porn to an unsuspecting college girl. Even Basil Marceaux Dot Com hasn’t done that. Though I wish he had. I really really wish he had.
  • Not only is he still running for Senate, but given that he’s from South Carolina, I wouldn’t be completely shocked if he won.

Okay, we're all caught up, right? So now you're ready for the latest in the ongoing argument for why Alvin Greene is the best. When a local news reporter showed up at his Dad's house (where he resides) for an interview, Greene responded the way any normal, certainly not insane, candidate would: By howling “Goooo Awwwayyyy.” Obviously, a simple “no comment” would not suffice. ‘

Yet, this reporter could not comprehend all the political mumbo jumbo in Greene's retort (Admittedly, it was so bogged down in “Senate-talk” even I couldn't follow), and hung around to chat with Greene's brother. Meanwhile, Greene could be heard in the background, continuing to make his well thought-out point, wailing “No!!!!” and “Go!!!!!” Ladies, this man is (I assume) single. Get on that. Now. ‘

(While watching this video and listening to Greene scream “No!!!!!!!!!!” and “Go!!!!!!!!!”, it’s very important to remember that this man WON THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION. This is not just some Antoine Dodson, discovered by the local news for all to enjoy. This is an actual candidate for Senate. People can vote for him to lead our nation.)

The sad truth is that isn't that out of the ordinary when it comes to South Carolina politics. ‘

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