By: Funny Or Die

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Teen Talk! Abortions Now Called “Hoovers”

Big news. When terminating an unborn fetus, it's extremely wack to call it an “abortion.” You know what's phat? Calling it a “hoover.”
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not cool enough to pull off all this hip, teen talk. I am, however, smart enough to use this handy guide, courtesy of They've really got the lingo nailed. Especially the “H” section:

The best part is clearly that “hello” is listed as teen slang. I had no idea. Here I was, ‘ using it so often for so long, starting conversations like some narc.
The H section is pretty much the starter guide you'll need when conversing with adolescents. So feel free to grab your Gin Blossoms poster and approach one. Just say something like “Hello homegirl from my hood. Since you're such a hootchie, let's hook up and have hella hooverings.” Translated, that means: “Howdy neighbor, I have no respect for you. Let's make love and get you a wonderful abortion.”
And awayyy you go! To the nearest Planned Parenthood!
Oh, also, if you needed a visual reminder as to how to talk teen, the front page of the entry had this handy GIF.

Too cool for it? What…ever.

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