By: Funny Or Die

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Mosque Debate: How We Look To Terrorists

This ground zero mosque debate (or “Burlington Coat Factory” debate or “YMCA with an Islamic prayer room” debate) has gone too far, everyone. And I don't say that because of the politics involved or what it says about our society. I say that because we're starting to look like a bunch of dickbags to everyone else. And yes, “dickbags” covers a wide range, so more specifically we look like…

A Bunch of A-Holes

This has just gotten embarrassing. Sunday saw competing protests at Ground Zero. One side chanted stuff like “No mosque, no way!” and “Anybody who's dark-skinned is Muslim so we must yell things at them in rhythm” — all while playing Springsteen's “Born in the USA” (clearly nobody who practices Islam was born in this country). The other side came to protest the protesters, which consequently just brought more attention to the protests. Wonderful.
But the bottom line is, this looks bad. We look like a bunch of A-holes. If the Terrorists were on vacation and came back and turned on the news to be like “Oh, I wonder what's happening in America” and saw this, they'd laugh their asses off. Actually, perhaps this is all a good thing. How can they take us seriously as a target if this is how we present ourselves?

A Bunch of Bigots

“Yeah, let's keep the Muslims out of Ground Zero! Not everyone deserves religious freedom! U-S-A! U-S-A!”
-Frank 'Apple Pie' American*
“Thank you for writing the script to my next video.”
-Osama Bin Laden
*If Frank 'Apple Pie' American does in fact exist, I apologize for misquoting you. Please send corrections to

A Bunch of Anti-Swimites

There's going to be a pool in the Islamic Center. A pool! You know how hard it is to find a decent pool in New York City? It's nearly impossible. Oh, sure, Brooklyn's got a couple public pools and Bloomberg wants people to swim in garbage. But it's nothing compared to having a place to strap on your floaties and be guaranteed a lane. Who are we to deny that!?!?

A Bunch Of People Unfamiliar WIth the Difference Between Nazis and Everyone Else

This is nothing new, but the Hitler and Nazi comparisons need to end. It's only acceptable to compare things to Hitler when they have funny mustaches. So if for some reason Bin Laden reveals himself as the financial backer of the center AND shaves his beard into the Hitler stache, then the comparison would be okay.

A Bunch of Hedonists

You've likely heard about the strip club no more than a couple blocks away. Nudity and debasing women, yayyy. Religious freedom and swimming, boooo.

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