By: Dan Abramson
Albert Haynesworth's Struggle
Before Sunday's loss to the St. Louis Rams, Defensive Lineman Albert Haynesworth said his $100 million dollar contract doesn't make him a “slave” to the Washington Redskins. That is correct, Albert. It just makes you someone who doesn't know the definition of the word “slave.”
Peyton's Brother Still Plays Football
The Giants endured another ugly loss, this time to the Tennessee Titans, who employed the best possible pass defense against Eli Manning: bribing stadium employees to show Mighty Morphin Power Rangers on the jumbotron every time Manning dropped back to pass.
Obligatory Michael Vick Joke
Another dominant performance from Michael Vick. While the victories are huge, the coaches have to be concerned with Vick's endurance. Despite his impressive stat line, Vick's getting hit around 20 times per game. It's obvious that Vick's in the midst of a grueling dog fight. Oh God. Sorry. Errr- I meant he killed dogs. And happens to excel at professional football.
The Cowboys are on the Board
Dallas finally got its first win, much to the chagrin of owner Jerry Jones who planned on water boarding Wade Philips with a party sub from Subway if the team lost again.
Brett Favre is Still Old
Brett Favre rode Adrian Peterson to a victory this week. Literally. His knees swelled up because “a storm was a comin,” and jumped on Peterson's back during his 80 yard scamper.
This Week in “The Bills are the F–king Worst”
It's a bad sign when your biggest accomplishment of the past decade has been quarterback Trent Edwards becoming a trending topic on Twitter.
Ray Lewis Murder Update
No one murdered on the field this week. He did, however, tear the head off a hot dog guy during the second quarter.
Hero of the Week
Braylon Edwards. Arrested for a DUI, shaved his horrendous (yet kind of awesome) beard, and sat through what seemed like a never-ending “time out” handed down from coach Rex Ryan. A hero to us all.
Goat of the Week
This goat. Just look at him. He's such a goat. Oh, and Sebastian Janikowski. Fuck that guy.