NFL Week 5 Recap: Favre Takes Dong Pics, etc

As usual, here are the big stories from Sunday's action. And as usual, this will be like Peter King's “Monday Morning Quarterback,” but I won't be taking pictures of Brett Favre's penis and sending them to myself.

Giants D Steps It Up

The New York Giants shut down a potent Houston Texans offense, holding league leading rusher Arian Foster to just 25 yards. After the game, the defense celebrated at a nearby strip club, but told Eli Manning they'd be at Dave and Busters where he could meet them at the Daytona USA arcade game.

Brett Favre is a Dirty Old Man

The fact that Brett Favre texted pictures of his penis to a former Jets employee is not that shocking. That an 82 year old man knows how to send text messages is.

The Bengals Need to Grow Up

After their loss to the suddenly dominant Buccaneers, it's clear the Bengals are in the midst of an identity crisis. They don't know if they're a running team, a passing team, or if they should take that job at their father-in-law's company, which has good benefits but would totally dominate their free time, negating any chance they would finally finish the documentary of the chocolatiers in Williamsburg.

The Carlton Dance Returns

During the Lions game something something something blah blah. More importantly, cornerback Alphonso Smith celebrated his touchdown by doing the Carlton Dance. Yes, that happened. Yes, you can watch it here, with obligatory Tom Jones soundtrack already added.

This Week in “The Bills are the F–king Worst”

During their sorry excuse for a football game, the Bills employed the same offensive gameplan that I used when I played Tecmo Superbowl as a child. Back my team up as much as I can and then break off a 99 yard run with Bo Jackson. Simple, straightforward, and won me many a championship. The problem here is the Bills do not have Bo Jackson. They have Ryan Fitzpatrick, a Harvard grad who forgets to remove his wedding ring while playing professional football.

Obligatory Michael Vick Dog Fighting Joke

Here's where every week I make a reference to the fact that Michael Vick, despite salvaging his career, should never live down his reputation as a dog fighter. But alas, since Vick didn't play this week due to injury, there was no news to use as a starting off point to make “Vick is a terrible person” jokes. Let's just hope Andy Reid didn't take him out to the barn and shoot him.

The Ray Lewis Murder Update

Oh, did I say Andy Reid? I meant Ray Lewis.