By: Dan Abramson
Dear Chilean Miners, ‘
Much has changed since you first became trapped in a mine. So much! Here’s a refresher to catch you up:
1. A witch has come out and attacked masturbation. Despite living in the least popular state in America, she’s currently the nation’s most well known politician.
2. A website that collects photographs of unattractive families is now a TV show.
3. The guy from “Some Kind of Wonderful” could’ve been the guy from “Back to the Future.” After spending 25 years coming to terms with this fact, Robert Zemeckis decided to rub it in his face.
4. The news became OBSESSED with a group of unfortunate Chileans. Not sure of the details.
5. A family in Alabama survived a scare when a rapist attacked a young woman in her bedroom at night. It goes without saying that people all over the world thought this was the funniest thing to ever happen. The rape victim’s older brother is now the most famous person in the world, performing to uproarious crowds at BET awards shows. The family has since moved from the projects, where apparently they are raping everybody. Obviously.
6. An anti-Musilim pastor has no Koran.
7. Speaking of Muslims, they decided to build a rec center in an old Burlington Coat Factory. Speaking of rec centers in old Burlington Coat Factories, America is apparently really racist.
8. Thousands of people asked each other “You know what’s cool?”
9. A Billion Dollars is cool.
10. Brett Favre took photographs of his new pair of crocs and sent them a busty female employee of the Jets. His penis happen to be in the shot, too.