By: Dan Abramson
So James Harrison’s totally full of shit. After last weekend’s concussion-fest, the NFL began cracking down on violent hits. This prompted the Steelers linebacker to whine about the fact that the NFL was keeping him from inflicting life threatening injuries on opponents to the point where he threatened to walk away from the game. Sure.
But then he’s all “JK” and decides to play in Sunday’s game against Miami. And after all that, he didn’t even give ANYBODY a single concussion. Jesus Christ, James Harrison. If you’re gonna spend the week talking about concussing other people, and how concussing others is all you know, the least you could do is concuss someone. Anyone. It doesn’t have to be on the other team. Maybe this guy could’ve used a concussion:
Meanwhile, in the game itself, Pittsburgh emerged victorious after the officials decided calling a fair game was not important. When asked about his controversial fumble during the postgame press conference, Roethlisberger gave the following quote:
It’s time to start feeling bad for the Dallas Cowboys. There I said it. Not because of the fact that their 1-5 record is a far cry from the Super Bowl expectations they began the season with. And not because their star-quarterback suffered a major injury. But that’s part of it. During Monday night’s loss to the Giants, Tony Romo (football’s John Mayer) went down with a broken collarbone, allowing lifelong backup Jon Kitna to enter the game.
Jon Kitna is the reason I feel bad for them. They play in a futuristic space station, are supposed to be America’s team, and have a history of winning — yet a guy who looks like Bobby from “King of the Hill” is now the face of the franchise. And that’s just embarrassing.
Speaking of the Cowboys loss to the Giants, for some reason when Googling random pics for this week, I came across this photo of Eli Manning.
I don’t know what he’s actually doing here – probably giving a lecture on how to not to blow your prize tickets at FunTime USA – but it kind of looks like he’s doing stand up comedy. No? How about now?
This Week in The Bills are the F–king Worst. A weird thing happened this weekend. They didn’t look like the f–king worst. I mean, they are. But they took a title contender to overtime before reminding us they’re the worst, with a costly fumble and penalty to hand the game to the Ravens. Oh, and since the Panthers won, the Bills are now the only team left without a win. Just a reminder.
Jay Cutler continued to play for every team but the Bears. The “Chicago” quarterback threw four more picks, further proving the point that Jay Cutler’s Fantasy Team is always playing against an opponent who’s starting Jay Cutler.
And that’s precisely why Chicago fans should not be upset. He’s always loved throwing erratic passes to no one in particular (and who are we to judge someone for their passions?). This is nothing new. It’s not like Cutler’s skills have declined since the team traded for him. The only difference is that in Denver he had Brandon Marshall to clean up his mess, while in Chicago he may as well have been given an actual mop.
Does Terrell Owens still play in the NFL? I mean, I saw his stats from yesterday: a very respectable 9 catches for 88 yards in the Bengals loss to Atlanta. But shouldn’t he have leaked rumors that Carson Palmer and Ochocinco are gay lovers by now? Maybe he’s saving it for the next season of VH1’s “Least Watched Show.”
Brett Favre penis update. According to Brett Favre, while he did in fact send texts to Jenn Sterger, the penis in the pictures is not his penis. Okay, glad we settled that. As far as his play this weekend, Favre fractured his ankle. According to team doctors, Favre was actually given permission to take the x-rays of his ankle himself. Here’s what he sent back to the doctors:
Aaaaaand, we’re done.