By: Dan Abramson
6 New Careers for the Election’s Losers
Christine O'Donnell – Fox News Personality
Something tells me Christine O’Donnell’s campaign was essentially just one long audition for a job at Fox. She can call her show “The Witching Hour.”
Alvin Greene – Toy Manufacturer
Greene, with all sincerity, suggested that to fix the economy, the state of South Carolina should manufacture dolls in likeness. Yes, it seemed stupid at the time. At the time, it was a solution to financial instability. But as a novelty item to be sold at Spencer’s Gift, that’s a goldmine. If Greene signs up for Kickstarter.com, I’ve got 15 bucks with his name on it. But on one condition: each doll has a string that, when pulled, makes the doll howl “NOOOOO!!!!! GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
Carl Paladino – Movie Villain
While holding a baseball bat during his concession speech, the defeated gubernatorial candidate announced, “You have not seen the last of Carl Paladino.” Obviously, he’s gearing up for an acting career in which he’ll be repeatedly typecast as a villain in gritty 70s crime dramas. Don’t fuck with Paladino. He’ll rip your throat off if you don’t cooperate.
Alan Grayson – Will Continue to Look Like a Fat Paul Schneider
C’mon look at these two. Grayson’s got a fat doppelganger business just waiting to be cashed in on.
Christine O'Donnell – Professional Masturbator
We’ll admit the Fox News suggestion listed above is a stretch. So let’s redo hers. She’ll be a chronic masturbator, taking her frustration out on the crotch of her pants suit. It’ll revolutionize masturbation for all, and she’ll inevitably receive a book deal for her efforts. A book I’d totally buy that when it’s available at Urban Outfitters
Meg Whitman – Will Show You How to Waste More Money Than You'll Ever Know Was Possible
The former eBay CEO will find another way to waste $160 million. I suggest just digging a pit and burning it on a lazy afternoon. She’ll cause a scene and when it’s all done, she still won’t be Governor of California.