Man Forced to Eat His Own Beard — The Best REAL News Stories of the Week

If you read the front pages of newspapers all over the country, you'lll undoubtedly find the same stories over and over again. They'll all read something like “Bush Tax Cuts to Appear on Glee.” All of them. Go ahead, just fire up your Barnes and Noble “Nook” and download any newspaper. You'll see.
Anyway, we've collected the best stories of the week. The ones that, despite their awesomeness, may have been buried in some back section. Remember, these are REAL. They actually happened.
America, if you could do me a favor and continue being the best, that'd be awesome.
1. Man Eats Beard (

)
Actual quote: “They cut my beard and forced me to eat it.”

2. Bush Explains His Pro-Life Stance (

)
Classic Barbara going on over here.
‘

3. Mouse Trap (

)
Well, if he's gonna put it somewhere…

4. But Wait, There's More (

)

5. Dick Van Dyke's New Project (

)
So the only witness is a senile old man. Sure, I'll take it.
‘

6. Better Than “Flaccid Feminine Pleasure Device” (

)
Joe's Crab shack was apparently the place to be.
‘