By: Dan Abramson
Wow, so I keep later and later in getting these up. Though in my defense (and I’m completely lying), I wanted to wait until after Monday night game between the Eagles and Redskins before starting to write. But I’m glad I did. Because something needs to be addressed.
And that…is Michael Vick. You may remember him from such jokes as “Michael Vick tortures dogs, insert punchline here.” And the reason for that is because he in fact tortures dogs people are having a difficult time accepting the fact Vick may actually be the best player in the league. And after he scored six touchdowns (that’s a lot of touchdowns) on Monday night, he’s a pretty safe bet for this year’s MVP.
Perhaps going to the jail was the best thing ever happened to Michael Vick. Maybe we should do that with other quarterbacks. Throw ’em in the pen and see how they turn out. I nominate Eli Manning.
Aaand one more.
Speaking of quarterbacks pretty much breaking the law, Donovan McNabb totally swindled the Redskins to the tune of $78 million. He's almost as old as Brett Favre and just as bad. Washington sure is giving away handouts. #JokesI'dMakeIfIWerePlayingToARepublicanConventionButThankGodI'mNot
Anyway, I think I’m starting to like Brett Favre again. He has no business being on the field, yet he keeps suiting up and giving it his all, much to the detriment of his own team. I have soft spot in my heart for unbelievable assholes that have no bearing on my own life. If you met that guy on the street and someone told you “this jerk purposely sabotages his employers just for his own ego, and then, when he’s done, he takes pictures of his dick and sends them to women,” you’d hang out with him in an instant. Brett Favre needs to be my friend. Anyway, Favre sucked it up again and the Vikings lost. As they now do.
On to “This Week in the Bills Are The F–king Worst.” So the Bills won. As a Bills fan, you’d think I’d be ecstatic. And I am. I actually came close to crying as the game came to an end. This game against the Lions in which we went from 0-8 to 1-8 was our Superbowl. Let’s call it a season, folks. Hang it up.
But despite the victory, the Bills are still the fucking worst. Even if the Panthers may actually be the inferior team. By winning a game, history will forget the 2010 Bills — they will not live on forever like the 2008 Lions or 1976 Bucs. On top of that, they may have blown their chances at getting the #1 pick in the draft, which they’d inexplicably use on a special teams gunner they deemed “the most talented athlete on the board.” Well done, Bills. Well. Done.
During the Dolphins victory over the Titans, Miami inserted three quarterbacks. The first, Chad Pennington replaced Chad Henne to start the game. Chad Pennington played two snaps, collected $200k, and promptly left with an injury. Chad Henne replaced him, only to get injured himself. The saga will continue next week during VH1’s new reality show, “The Chads.”
Tom Brady tore apart the Steelers, racking up 36 points on one of the best D’s in the league. After the game, he celebrated the victory by having sex in the parking lot with his supermodel wife as well as any woman that came within 10 feet. Here’s a picture of his orgasm, taken from inside the stadium.
Got that Mark Sanchez? If you’re gonna be the new Mr. Sexy Quarterback, you should take notes. That is how it’s done.
And we’re done, too. Even if there’s more that happened. But if you want to hear about how the NFC West still exists, please follow this link.