By: Dan Abramson

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Existence of Heaven Proved by Small Child. Obviously.

Big news: Heaven. Is. Real. Just ask Colton Burpo. What, that sounds like a fake name? While, yes, I completely agree with you, it’s also the name of our future savior.

Haha. Oh Colton Burpo. That sounds like a completely valid story that you experienced and in no way were told by your father in a plan to milk your life-threatening illness for thousands of dollars.

The truth is that Colton is actually doing nothing wrong here. As a child, you get free reign to say stupid shit and are often congratulated for having an imagination. As an adult, nobody ever goes around telling your parents and says “your child has such a vivid imagination. You obviously should call up Fox News.” So live it up while you can.

The real story here is that this is a story at all. This happened on television. On what a surprisingly large number people view to be a respected news organization. It’s one thing to placate a child when he talks about God holding the world in his hands, biting your tongue while you refrain from informing him that he just heard a song one day. But it’s another to throw in chyrons like “Met St. John The Baptist” and “That’s Where the Angels Sang to Me.” That makes it official, as if you’re breaking a huge news story. This is like that movie “The Invention of Lying,” but a whole lot funnier because it’s not at all the movie “The Invention of Lying.”

And in addition to the quotables at the bottom, Gretchen Carlson is EATING THIS UP. She believes. Here’s her face while she awaits the lifechanging information that Jesus had a “rough, but kind” face.


Anyway, if Fox News is reading, here are a few things that I made up when I was a child:

  • I also met God and he looks like the Jolly Green Giant
  • I walked to China
  • I invented opposite day. ‘

Yes, I’m available for interviews.

(Video via Videogum)

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