By: Dan Abramson

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NFL Week 12 Recap: God Hates the Bills. Fact.

I usually begin these recaps off with something like “Wow, so much to cover, etc.” I know it gets repetitive. But c'mon! There's so much to cover. And I'm not an actual sports reporter/journalist/real person. ‘

Obviously, and I’m not just saying this as a Bills fan, the Stevie Johnson drop was the story of the week. But we’ll get to that.

I’m gonna start with the Broncos, who have been accused of videotaping a 49ers walk-through. It should be no shocker that head coach Josh McDaniels, whether he was involved or not, is a former protege of Bill Belichick, who you may remember as a forerunner in video-cheating methodology. You may also remember him as He-Man’s foil.

I dunno, I see the resemblance. Maybe it’s hoody. Maybe it’s the evil. Whatever. The point is who cares if the Broncos taped an opponent’s practice?? This is completely different than when the Patriots did it. They did it for years and were dominant while doing so. If a 3-8 team cheats, and still loses mind you, let’s just move along.

Anyway, back to Tom Brady. The guy threw four touchdowns this week in a Thanksgiving game people likely didn’t watch because their girlfriend’s family insisted on watching Hans Christian Andersen on the only TV in the house.

Speaking of things that only happened me, I went my high school reunion this weekend. It was nothing like I expected it would be. First of all, I didn’t even slow-dance with my ex-flame, which would of course provide some much needed closure. And NOBODY rode their motorcycle on the roof to prove that they still had it. (Yes, if you’re wondering, my only frame of reference for high school reunions is from Full House.) Anyway, what I’m getting at is this: imagine if you were Tom Brady and you got to go to your high school reunion. That would probably be the best thing ever in life. I don’t care how many super models you’ve impregnated or championships you’ve won by cheating — when people ask what you’ve been up to, you would simply respond, “I’m Tom Brady.” And then you’d point to your high school yearbook in which James Hoffman won “most likely to succeed,” and you’d go “That’s weird. You’d think Tom Brady would have won that.” Then you’d announce that you made a DVD of everyone’s high school memories, but then you’d put in a DVD of your Super Bowl victory that came free with your subscription to Sports Illustrated.

Oh, one more thing on McDaniels. Remember when he ruined his team by trading its best players? Good decisions, Josh McDaniels! One of those players is Peyton Hillis, who absolutely shredded the Carolina Panthers (perhaps the new worst) en route to three touchdowns. And despite being one of the most dominant running backs in the league, for some reason announcers still like to refer to Hillis as a fullback. Wonder why.

And now…The Bills. For the first time in a while, the Bills are in the news for something other than being the embarrassment of the NFL. Actually, strike that. Still embarrassing, but now for completely new reasons. Making strides! Breakout wide-receiver Stevie Johnson crashed down to earth on Sunday after dropping what would’ve been the game-winning touchdown pass in a dramatic come-from-behind victory over the Steelers.

Johnson then took to twitter (as anyone who lives in the spotlight should) and BLAMED GOD.


Wow. Luckily God responded pretty quickly:


Listen, as someone who apparently hates himself, I’m a Bills fan. Johnson implying God let him down is nothing new. If history has proven anything, God has frequently shown that he takes great pleasure in tormenting Buffalo, its players, and its fans. Knowing that God hates us is why we continue. Thurman Thomas didn’t blame God for losing his helmet in the Superbowl. O.J. Simpson didn’t blame God when murdered innocent people. We just accept it and cry.

Also, one more thing. I just want to point out that the featured retweet on Stevie’s now infamous line is from “TakeItOutSuckIt.” No joke here. Just a reminder that someone is using Twitter in hopes that his quips will prompt someone to take it out and perhaps suck it. I blame God.

I’d like to take a second to address whoever decides the Monday night schedule. Please, no NFC West games. There’s nothing more disappointing than an action-packed weekend of football only to realize that Monday night is a meaningless battle between the 49ers and the Cardinals. At least Derek Anderson freaked out at his post-game press conference and walked off in the middle. Jeez, that guy can’t complete anything. Boom!

So you know how it’s really lame when NFL players fight because they’re literally wearing armor? Well Andre Johnson and Cortland Finnegan got around that when they apparently made an agreement to rip each other’s helmets off before throwing down. But as entertaining as that fight was (and oh boy was it entertaining), the best part may have been when an old man rained a haymaker right into Johnson’s gut. Didn’t catch that? Here’s a an actual photograph from the brawl.

The Eagles suffered a tough loss to the Chicago Bears this week in a game where Vick threw his first interception and looked like a mortal human being. Phew, that’s a relief. We can all get back to judging him for his personal flaws and the way he chooses to live his life and wondering why he can’t be more like this guy:


Aaaaaaand we’re done.

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