By: Alex Blagg
(This article courtesy of BajillionHits.Biz)
Today NASA matter-of-factly announced that they found evidence of living matter completely alien to life on Earth. The implications of this discovery are enormous for a pretty obvious reason: it represents the possibility of other intelligent life in the universe, which means AN ENTIRE GALAXY OF UNTAPPED CONSUMERS TO WHOM WE CAN MARKET OUR BRANDS! (Or it could mean bloody intergalactic conflict leading to the annihilation of life as we know it. I’ll let you decide which is best for your business.)
Now’s not the time to sit back and “wait to see what this means”. Now is the time to curate a comprehensive strat for a) monetizing the discovery of alien life forms by b) exploiting Extra-Terrestrials with our superior social media technology and c) engaging them into submission. Below are a few key tips to help you get started.
1. Give the Aliens a Twitter account, then Retweet them a few times so they think we’re friendly.
2. Start up an Interstellar Gchat with “Age/Sex/Location/Hostility Level/Weapons Sophistication?”
3. Tell them we need to work on their spaceship’s Search Engine Optimization, then pull out all their hyperdrives and pour Four Loko all over the wires and stuff until the whole thing is inoperable.
4. Have Google make an offer to buy their entire star system.
5. Just ignore the Aliens and keep staring into our iPhones like dumb monkeys until they decide we’re harmless idiots and go away.
6. Suggest they become a fan of surrendering to us on Facebook unless they want to get SuperPoked.
7. Blast out a bunch of Interstellar Spam trasmissions about being a planet that has recently come into gazillions of space bucks and we will share our fortune with anyone who gives us the coordinates to their home planet’s treasury and weapons systems.
8. Show them a bunch of Lady GaGa videos on YouTube and hope for the best.
10. Get the entire global population to pitch in and write a whole bunch of really crappy Yelp reviews of Planet Earth so they just decide to try someplace else.
11. Tell the Aliens that MySpace is the “final frontier” then quietly leave them alone to figure out how get rid of all the bedazzled Tila Tequila viruses and e-mail phishing links for the next 400 light years or so.
12. Hop on a video chat with the Aliens, then keep making obnoxious “ET Skype Home!” jokes.
13. Claim they could win a free iPad if they press the ‘self-destruct’ button on their ship.
14. Start a viral Tumblr called LOLiens in which we take wacky pictures of the Aliens, then make fun of them with grammatically incorrect captions.
15. Get Mark Zuckerberg to steal their ‘cloaking device’ technology and create enough revenue to crush them in court after they finally decide to lawyer up even though it’s already too late because now the whole universe is invisible.
16. If they attempt at communicating with us via an unfamiliar Alien language, just keep typing back “F1RST!!1!!” over and over until they recognize our dominance.
17. When they demand to be “Taken To Our Leader”, just send them a link to Sarah Palin’s Twitter feed, then be like “JKJK”, then send them a link to that Rick Astley video, then be like, “LOLOLOLOL”, then finally go, “Haha wait, what were u sayin’?”
18. Project a giant Foursquare badge against the ozone layer to let them know we’re already Mayor of this planet, so don’t even bother checking in here.
19. Start sexting the Aliens until they send pics of their extra-terrestrial light-up wangs, then leak the space-cock shots to Gawker.
20. If all else fails, and they decide to conquer us and steal all of our eggs, we could just start launching ourselves at them with a giant slingshot.
BajillionHits.Biz is the Internet’s leading social media and tech lifestyle site for influencing influencers with engaging, next-gen strat that’s disrupting the traditional paradigms of innovation. Headed up by Social Media Stratmaster/Techspert/Web Wizard/Ninja-Guru Alex Blagg, @BajillionHits will help you learn how to win the Internet many times over.