By: JP Bannister, Wealthy Industrialist
I'm JP Bannister. And That's a Good Thing
Big day today, gents. As a wealthy industrialist, I was just guaranteed two more years of the Bush Tax tax cuts. Kudos the good guys. If my accountant is accurate, and he always is, I'll be saving 80 thousand dollars this year. But what to spend it on?
1. 40 Reclining Office Chairs
One will be used so I can take naps while at my desk. Thirty-nine will used to fill the dumpster behind my building. Cost: Roughly $12k.
2. $10k Worth of Health Insurance for my Cat
This is Mr. Chuckles. Mr. Chuckles is the cutest cat in the world (Seriously, just check the diamond-encrusted plaque I had a hispanic man make for him.) Anyway, when I come home from a long day of making more money than 99% of the nation, nothing calms me down more than watching Mr. Chuckles jump from table to shelf and shelf to table. But as someone who knows a rheumatologist, I know he's putting on a lot of pressure on his joints. Joints I need to insure. And that Obamacare certainly isn't looking out for Mr. Chuckles, so someone's got to spend money out of their own giant wallet. Luckily I've got a lot of it.
3. $20k on Anything Made in China
Listen, I hate the country Obama learned everything he knows as much as the next guy, but I'm all about China's products. They make a good everything. You can't get these kind of products in America: shoes, reclining office chairs, American Girl dolls. Why? Because nobody wants the jobs necessary to make them. The Chinese, however, love it. Anyway, should I just make the check out to China?
4. 800 pairs of Jeans from Banana Republic ‘
Oh, “we're making the United States into a Banana Republic.” I get it, liberals. This is just to rub it in your faces. Cost: Eight THOUSAND Bucks.
5. Puchasing the Word “Superfluous”
Do I need it? No. But that's exactly why I must have it. That'll probably go for, what, $30k? Done and done.