By: Poop or Chocolate
Christ Marks the Spot
‘Tis the season of religious censorship. ‘ To those who wish to include all Yuletide festivities, “Happy Holidays” is the preferred nomenclature. ‘ To those who hate Jews, but still want to celebrate a PC Christmas, it’s “Merry X-Mas”.
Using an X to take the Christ out of Christmas has long been fought by the front lawn nativity scene demographic, and for good reason, in my opinion. ‘ Jesus rocks, man. ‘ He had more magic than Santa and way more people over the age of ten believe in him. ‘ So why we gotta be hatin’? ‘ I propose that if Jesus has to be removed from his own holiday, we should at least let him fill in for all the other X’s in our day to day lives. ‘ Some examples:
X-ray to Christ-ray ‘ An x-ray allows doctors to see inside our bodies. ‘ A Christ-ray allows each of us to see within our souls, where Christ himself is always present. ‘ It’s like a window into what we already know is there ‘total Christ confirmation. ‘ Plus, a Christ-ray will never show that you have cancer.
X’s can also be removed from everyday symbols like this railroad crossing sign…
Now Jesus can warn you of an oncoming train and guilt you into praying while you’re waiting for it to pass.
XXX to Christ Christ Christ ‘ In the Old West, barkeeps marked the most potent jugs of liquor with a triple X. ‘ Think about having three doses of Jesus in a beverage. ‘ It’s like communion wine mixed with Four Loko. ‘ You drink of the body and get fuuuuuucked uuuuuuup.
X-Men to Christ-Men ‘ Christ-Men is just a way cooler name for Christians. ‘ The leader of the Christ-Men, Jesus, is referred to as Professor Christ.
In this issue, Jesus baselessly condemns the science of evolution to destroy nearly the entire Marvel universe!
X-Rated to Christ-Rated ‘ When you’re watching hardcore scat porn, it’s labeled X-Rated, but when you’re getting biblical with a by-the-Book virgin, it’s Christ-Rated. ‘ (Please note that Christ-Rated is still rated R by MPAA standards, as there is ample boning pictured onscreen.)
Will these changes hold holy water? ‘ You bet your Jesus-hating ass they will. ‘ But do we really need to take these measures? ‘ No, probably not. ‘ As frustrating as the use of X-Mas is, in reality it doesn’t do much damage. ‘ Because you know what they say: ‘ you can take the Christ out of Christmas, but you can’t take the Christmas out of Christ ‘ because it’s his fucking birthday.
My name is t.j. and I want more signs of Jesus and less signs from him.
