By: Alex Blagg

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WikiLeaked Secrets About Santa

tumblr_ld538zziof1qcl9y1.pngAs you’ve undoubtedly noticed, WikiLeaks are everywhere, spilled all over the Internet. And since WikiLeaks are driving SO MUCH WEB TRAFFIC, “WikiLeaking Stuff” has emerged as one of the hottest social media strategies on the net right now.

So it is in this spirit (and the Holiday Spirit) that BajillionHits.Biz is proud to announce our bold and courageous decision to defy the wishes of countless nations and timeless traditions and make transparent the following SHOCKING SECRETS about Santa Claus and Christmas.

  • Santa originally found out that 'reindeers really know how to fly' by drunkenly throwing Donner off the roof of the North Pole one night.
  • Winter Wonderlands where “Whites Only” ‘until 1973.
  • Holly Jolly Christmases used to be celebrated with a cup of beer, but it became 'cheer' after Santa had to seek help for his 'red-nosed problem'. ‘
  • Late at night, when he's alone, 'Parson Brown' pretends that HE is a snowman. And when you say “Are you married?” he'll say, “Not to a man.” Though he privately wishes things were different.
  • “Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum” was originally a racial slur in certain parts of the Czech Republic. ‘
  • “Jack Frost” is really just an alias for Dwayne Hewlett, who is wanted in six states for the trafficking of narcotics.
  • Santa stopped “checking his list twice” back in the '70s. Now he just scans it and usually it all works out.
  • Alvin was so coked out of his gourd during the recording of 'The Chipmunk Song' that they had to use Quincy Jones' voice for the intro and just speed it up real fast.
  • Santa maintains a private “Naughty Naughty List” of people who will have sex with him in exchange for good presents even though they've been horrible human beings.
  • The Little Drummer Boy is actually 47 years old. He has a rare condition (and a criminal record).
  • The president of PETA was once arrested for drunk-driving a one-horse open sleigh.
  • Even in the manger, the lord Jesus wasn't “little” in every area, if you know what we mean.
  • Ms. Claus is secretly “harking” Harold, one of the senior toy-shop elves.

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