By: Dan Abramson

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NFL Divisional Playoffs Recap: The Patriots Are Still the Real Winners

Yes, the scoreboard may have indicated otherwise. And yes, the Jets certainly outplayed them. And yes, the Jets crushed them in oft-overlooked foot-fetish stat. But when it comes down to it, the Patriots won. Just by being the Patriots. The fact that all anyone can talk about when it comes to the Jets supposed victory is how they toppled the mighty Tom Brady only serves to prove this point.
The Jets are a quality football team. They went 11-5. They have a top-notch defense, a studly quarterback, and a roster filled with future Hall of Famers. If you compared the rosters between both teams, there's a good chance the Jets are better position by position. If ANYTHING, the Patriots were the underdog.
Just kidding. They're evil. BUT, ‘if at the end of the game, you asked anybody on the Jets what player they'd like to have their career resemble, chances are every single one would say Tom Brady. The losing quarterback. You know how Brady's gonna cope with not winning another Super Bowl ring? By going home and making sex to his supermodel wife and bathing in a tub full of money. Here's what Tom Brady's house looks like (also pictured is his less wealthy roommate):

Yet, here's how the Jets looked when they won.

Haha, okay Bart Scott. Let's take it down a notch. Mr. Perfect and the Million Dollar Man know you'll be stopping their nosebleeds at Wrestlemania.
All that said, congrats to the Jets. Here's hoping Rex Ryan doesn't get too distracted with all the sexy feet Pittsburgh has to offer.
On to the Packers and Falcons. I loved this game. Mostly because the Packers absolutely dominated and I'm completely biased in rooting for the Packers. I'm not even a Packers fan. I'm just a fan of people who do their jobs well. And Aaron Rodgers is that type of player. And yes, he's boring and doesn't feel feelings, but when it comes to throwing an oblong ball at a man wearing similar clothing, he's very good at being a professional quarterback. The fact that he reminds me of an emotionless cubicle jockey just makes me like him more.

I even love how Rodgers celebrates a touchdown, which is to say that I like that he does nothing at all. All business. Though he occasionally does some sort of putting-on-a-belt move, which actually is rather fitting considering the belt is the most utilitarian article of clothing one could wear. The belt is pretty much the best at keeping pants up. I bet Aaron Rodgers always has secure pants. Other than that, he occasionally does a fist-pump. Which is very Derek Jeter-like if anything. Oh wait. Oh no. Is Aaron Rodgers a less attractive Derek Jeter? Great player, shows little emotion, always hustles. Celebrates with a controlled fist pump. If Aaron Rodgers starts bedding Mariah Carey, making Alex Rodriguez feel terrible about himself, or making plays more difficult than they actually are because of “intangibles,” I'm gonna freak out. Then again, Aaron Rodgers' robot personality may be the result of being concussed multiple times. What's Jeter's excuse?
Anyway, this also happened, which just sort of rubbed it in the faces of the Falcons. Specifically Matt Ryan.

Bears vs. Seahawks.
Bears won. As they should have, since the Seahawks had no business being in the playoffs. I didn't buy their Cinderella story last week, mostly because in the story of Cinderella, she's the titular character – thus she deserved to be in said story. You would be weirded out if all of a sudden Biff Tannen was a character in Cinderella. He would just have no business being there. And all of a sudden, he'd open casinos and call be people buttheads and you'd like just be like “what happened to the slipper? Does Doc have it? There are no roads, etc.” (Great analogy going on right here). What I'm getting at is the Seahawks should not have been there and it threw everything off.
Anyway, Bears won despite Jay Cutler having this for a face.

Also, I just want to point out that I could easily see Jay Culter playing Dax Shepherd's character in Idiocracy and nailing it.

Hm. What was the other game? Oh yes yes. Steelers vs. Ravens. I was a tad conflicted about this one. On the one hand, it was a great game. Came down to the wire. But on the other hand, they’re essentially the same team. Both teams play a very similar style of hard-nosed football and are led by criminals. So whoever advanced is almost irrelevant. That said, I’m glad the Steelers came out on top, because that means Ben Roethlisberger, the league’s favorite sexual deviant, is facing off against Rex Ryan, the league’s favorite foot enthusiast. And we can only hope they join forces and rape Joe Buck’s feet.

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