By: Dan Abramson

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NFL Conference Championships Recap: Nobody’s Showing Up to Jay Cutler’s Super Bowl Party

We're almost there, everybody. One more game and these recaps will end. And then I'll have to find something else to wrap up while giving no analysis whatsoever. Maybe Skins? Maybe the Murphy Brown DVD set I've been eying for the last three years. Who knows? But until then, to the football games!
The Steelers took down the Jets, leading from the opening drive. I mean, it's no wonder the Steelers had the hot start, considering the news ESPN broke before the game:

Oh goodness. The Jets never really stood a chance, did they? While I have to assume the song in question was “In the Air Tonight,” I like to think they were all jamming out to “Sussudio.” And the Packers better watch out. I heard Mike Tomlin's CD binder also includes the Rocky III Soundtrack, The NBA on NBC theme song, and a burnt copy of Jock Jams Vol. 3.
Anyway, as for the game itself, blah blah whatever. Let's skip to the end, when Ben Roethlisberger was spotted crying on the field. As a human being who's once read about the existence of morals, I have trouble finding any way to connect with an emotional Roethlisberger. You know who doesn't? The game's announcers, who began talking about he how impressive it was that he could lead his team to a championship despite having to serve a four-game suspension to start the season. Despite. “The Steelers overcame so much adversity by succeeding without the help of a known rapist. Our heart goes out to Ben Roethlisberger for enduring what must have been a miserable ten minutes in which he reflected on violating women before keeping himself busy for the four weeks by drawing smiley faces on all of his one-hundred dollar bills. Let's all take in this great moment and feel sorry for Ben Roethlisberger. He's had it rougher than anyone.”
So yes, everyone's favorite sexual deviant (we all ranks our faves, right? Mine's actually the principal from Ferris Bueller) is on to the Super Bowl. And there's no need to comment on his checkered history any more. If you like that sort of thing, feel free to check out every other recap I've written. Say what you want about him, but the guy knows how to win games. Off the field problems aside, he knows what needs to be done when that uniform is on. Unlike some quarterbacks, who may lack some of that professional demeanor.

Oh Mark Sanchez. You're so full of lolz. I bet the ladies love it when regale them with tales of the time you wiped your boogers on your backup quarterback. “So I totally wiped my snot on this geezer when he wasn't looking. It was the tits. So ‘whaddya say, girl? Wanna come over and watch me play Mario Kart?” That's pretty much how Mark Sanchez talks. At least when he's not giving press conferences. He's very well coached by E and Ari for those.

So which convicts will be representing the NFC? None. “Whaaaat? This IS professional football, right? I thought it was part of the labor agreement that all professional sports would incorporate some sort of ex-con rehabilitation program.” Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the NBA.
So, if there's no convicts to discuss, what in the world is worthy of talking about????? The Packers well-balanced attack? No thank you. Aaron Rodgers? Did that last week. He's very good at being a quarterback…Let's move along to someone who's not.
Jay Cutler. You may remember him from plays such as “Hey, That's MY Football” and “I'm Gonna Walk off the Field With My Head Down Because I Have No Need to Inspire Confidence in my Teammates.”

Oh Jay. This was the season that you planned on to proving your doubters wrong. That you were a quarterback that your teammates could trust. That you were capable of winning the big game. But you couldn't even finish the game. I'm not doubting you were in fact hurt. This is the NFL. The only league where a key stat is how many people died that day. But given your calm demeanor, lack of any visible pain, and ability to stand up and watch from the sidelines, it goes without saying that you did not deserve to advance. Super Bowls are for closers.
At least you were better than Todd Collins.

And with these two chuckers watching from afar, the Bears were left with third-stringer Caleb Hanie. Who? Exactly.

I took a look at his

  • and here are the facts YOU need to know:
    Nothing. There is nothing about Caleb Hanie worth reporting. So let's just make up some facts. Sound good? Deal.
    One time in high school, Caleb Hanie mentioned that he'd like to be a professional football player despite once saying “Johnny Montana” was his favorite quarterback.
  • Caleb Hanie took his cousin Jane to prom.
  • Caleb Hanie's yearbook quote was “Prom was Awesometown, USA. Population: ME!!!!!”
  • In college, Caleb Hanie attempted to start fresh by giving himself the nickname C-Dawg.” It did not stick. Most of his dormmates insisted on calling him “The guy who cried all during freshman orientation.” It caught on surprisingly fast.
  • Hanie started his career with the Chicago Bears as a summer intern and, for that matter, only got the job because his mother knew someone in HR.
  • Caleb Hanie is now the most talented quarterback on the Chicago Bears.

And to wrap things up, I'd like to point out that if you Google Image Jay Cutler and add a “?” it yields very interesting results:

So needless to say, it always makes more sense to say “Jay Cutler?” when wondering who would be the best fit as the Bears QB.

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