By: Dan Abramson
17 Academy Awards That Should Retroactively Be Given to Movies and Performers
Every year the Academy gets together and celebs rub elbows as the best of the best get honored. And every year, classics get snubbed. Not to worry, this will rectify things. ‘
Beautiful Girls: Best Justification That It's Okay to Fall in Love with a 13-Year-Old Girl as long as it's Natalie Portman
The Ernest Series: Unprecedented Use of Getting Funding for 10 Movies Despite Having the Same Title for Each
Air Bud 2: Best Use of a Two-Sport Dog as Plot Device
The Life Aquatic: Super Good, Should Have Won Something
Dermot Mulroney: Outstanding Ability to be Dylan McDermott
The Green Mile: Major Achievement in Receiving a ‘Best Picture Nomination’ Despite Being a Movie You’d Only Watch on TNT.. and you happened to be eating lunch in front of the TV at the time.
Anchorman 2: Best Sequel that Never Was
Oceans 11, 12, 13: Best Ability to Make Major Crimes Look Fun and like a Friendship Activity
The Dreamers: Best Excuse for College Kids to See a Bunch of Tits and then Claim They Saw an “Art Film.”
Dazed and Confused: Outstanding Use of the word “Alright.”
Lost in Translation: Best Ability to use 70 minutes of B-Roll of the Japanese Skyline and Scarlett Johansson’s butt and convince us it’s a classic.
Napolean Dynamite: Best Marketing Ploy by Hot Topic and/or Spencer’s Gifts
The Untelevised Awards:
Best Keaton: Alex P. (beating out Michael and Buster)
Best “Rookie of the Year”: Little Big League
Best Reading of the Line “He just took that guy’s wallet“: The guy in Back to the Future Part II who says “He just took that guy’s wallet.”
Best Boating: Jack (When He Goes Boating)
Best Movie Without a Plot: Royal Tenenbaums
