By: Dan Abramson
3 Conversations That Led to Terrible Movies
Cool as Ice
-Okay, so who’s the hottest rap singer around? We need a star for a very dramatic movie.
-One of the guys from a Tribe Called Quest?
-I'd prefer someone's who's career has some longevity. Not some flash-in-the-pan.
-Right-o. M.C. Hammer? ‘
– ‘? ‘.(sigh) ‘? ‘
-You know, 'U Can't Touch This'? 'Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em'?
-I know who he is I just wish you weren't such an idiot all the time, Jenkins. ‘
-Who else you got?
-I've been reading up on Vanilla Ice. He seems very popular and whose career will in no-way fizzle out.
-Sweet Moses, do you think we could get him? ‘
-Well, he's filming 'Ninja Turtles 2' next week–
-SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK. ‘
-He's obviously the PERFECT CASTING CHOICE FOR MY DRAMATIC FILM AND I CANNOT BELIEVE WE DIDN'T GET HIM.
-Sir, I think his appearance in the turtles film is only a cameo. ‘
-A cameo. ‘
-Get me the Academy on the phone. With Vanilla Ice on board, we should reserve our seats for the Oscars right now. ‘
-But what to call it?
-I don't know. The marketing wizards will handle that. But just know that in 20 years, everyone will still be talking about this film. For the right reasons, of course.
Batman and Robin
-What do you mean the suits don’t have nipples?
-The costume designer felt it may look ‘? ‘well ‘? ‘gay.
-If I can't get nipples, I don't greenlight this picture. Simple as that. ‘
– ‘? ‘(sigh) ‘? ‘
-That sounded like the sigh of someone who knows that the inclusion of nipples on dark, yet beloved, comic book heroes is essential to a quality film. ‘
-Fine. We'll do the nipples. ‘
-Who's directing this one?
-Oh, Schumacher? That guy certainly does not ruin franchises. Get the Academy on line one, please. ‘
-Okay, so what if we got an all-star cast ‘? ‘ I’m talking Larenz Tate, Terrence Howard, Ryan Phillippe, Matt Dillon, Don Cheadle—
-You had me at “Tate.” ‘
-Right, so it's about race and stuff. ‘
-A gritty portrayal, perhaps?
-Totes. We'll say the N-word like all the time. ‘
-As in Oscar Nomination?
-Haha, no, as in ni–
-WHOA JENKINS. Save it for the film. ‘
-Good call. So the writer's already got one line written. It's for the trailer, but I bet we can use it in the movie, too, unless it's too good: ” In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.”
– ‘? ‘I don't know, Jenkins. When you open your mouth and sounds come out, all I hear is the description of the worst movie of all time. ‘
-Be that as it may, but I think this will win the Academy Award for best film. ‘
-Doesn't the Academy only reward quality films that are in no way trite representations of race in this country?
– ‘? ‘
-You're right. As you're aware, on my telephone, the Academy is speed-dial #2. I'd appreciate it if you pressed that button immediately.