By: Dan Abramson

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3 Conversations That Led to Terrible Movies

Cool as Ice

-Okay, so who’s the hottest rap singer around? We need a star for a very dramatic movie.

-One of the guys from a Tribe Called Quest?

-I'd prefer someone's who's career has some longevity. Not some flash-in-the-pan.

-Right-o. M.C. Hammer? ‘

– ‘? ‘.(sigh) ‘? ‘

-You know, 'U Can't Touch This'? 'Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em'?

-I know who he is I just wish you weren't such an idiot all the time, Jenkins. ‘


-Who else you got?

-I've been reading up on Vanilla Ice. He seems very popular and whose career will in no-way fizzle out.

-Sweet Moses, do you think we could get him? ‘

-Well, he's filming 'Ninja Turtles 2' next week–




-Sir, I think his appearance in the turtles film is only a cameo. ‘

-A cameo?

-A cameo. ‘

-Get me the Academy on the phone. With Vanilla Ice on board, we should reserve our seats for the Oscars right now. ‘

-But what to call it?

-I don't know. The marketing wizards will handle that. But just know that in 20 years, everyone will still be talking about this film. For the right reasons, of course.

Batman and Robin

-What do you mean the suits don’t have nipples?

-The costume designer felt it may look ‘? ‘well ‘? ‘gay.

-If I can't get nipples, I don't greenlight this picture. Simple as that. ‘

– ‘? ‘(sigh) ‘? ‘

-That sounded like the sigh of someone who knows that the inclusion of nipples on dark, yet beloved, comic book heroes is essential to a quality film. ‘

-Fine. We'll do the nipples. ‘

-Hot dog!

-Who's directing this one?


-Oh, Schumacher? That guy certainly does not ruin franchises. Get the Academy on line one, please. ‘


-Okay, so what if we got an all-star cast ‘? ‘ I’m talking Larenz Tate, Terrence Howard, Ryan Phillippe, Matt Dillon, Don Cheadle—

-You had me at “Tate.” ‘

-Right, so it's about race and stuff. ‘

-A gritty portrayal, perhaps?

-Totes. We'll say the N-word like all the time. ‘

-As in Oscar Nomination?

-Haha, no, as in ni–

-WHOA JENKINS. Save it for the film. ‘

-Good call. So the writer's already got one line written. It's for the trailer, but I bet we can use it in the movie, too, unless it's too good: ” In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.”

– ‘? ‘I don't know, Jenkins. When you open your mouth and sounds come out, all I hear is the description of the worst movie of all time. ‘

-Be that as it may, but I think this will win the Academy Award for best film. ‘

-Doesn't the Academy only reward quality films that are in no way trite representations of race in this country?

– ‘? ‘

-You're right. As you're aware, on my telephone, the Academy is speed-dial #2. I'd appreciate it if you pressed that button immediately.

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