By: Dan Abramson
Super Bowl recap tiiiiiime.
Just a heads up, I may make some diversions to discuss commercials and fake rap groups that disguise themselves as a David Bowie video. Listen, we all know this isn't a hard-hitting sports analysis. I'm not really gonna break down Ben Roethlisberger's passing efficiency. I may discuss his beard, which just as bushy and menacing as it should be. (He's the villain in our story, and villain's have beards. Unlike Prince Rodgers.) But for now, let's get the pop culture stuff out of the way to appease all the non-football fans who accidentally clicked on this link. Though now that I think about it, some of those folks were actually at the game itself:
Lady Gaga opened the evening with a beautiful rendition of the “Star Spangled Banner,” in which she in no way botched the words. Here's the shot of her they showed on the giant cell phone screen they have hanging from Dallas Stadium:
So here's the part of the recap where I talk about the commercials. Because that's what everyone talks about, right? Right???? Okay, full disclosure: since it's not 1993 I didn't really care about the commercials. There was no Crystal Pepsi ad with Van Halen playing so my mind failed to be blown. BUT, as I watched out of the corner of my eye while someone's sister tried to make conversation with me, I noticed a few things:
1. Eminem and Richard Lewis now have the same job.
2. There wasn't one ad for Pets.com. Something tells me they missed a major opportunity and will pay dearly.
3. We now have cars that check Facebook feeds. You can update your status with lines like “I just got in a car accident lol.”
4. Doritos has a marketing problem. Let me explain. In the first three commercial breaks, there were three ads for Doritos. That's too many ads, Doritos. Did you think that we forgot that you existed? I bet if you asked anyone to name two types of seasoned tortilla chips they'd say “Doritos and Cheetos.” While clearly you would have chosen an idiot to answer this inane poll, they'd actually be right. Nobody knows any other brands. If they exist, they're the Hydrox to your Oreos — meaning that the only time you eat them is when you're at your Grandma's house because she doesn't know anything about the cool chips that cool teens snack on.
Basically, the Doritos company spent about NINE MILLION DOLLARS to remind us that Doritos exist. You know what else reminds us that Doritos exist? Drugs.
And how about that halftime show? I loved it when they showed the trailer for Tron for 20 minutes. I'm not really gonna go into how terrible the Black Eyed Peas were. That much we know. Because they were terrible. But I do want to acknowledge the fact that I can't recall a more popular band that commands as little respect as they do. They opened with a song that included the lines “Mazel Tov.” Basically, what happened last night is a rag-tag team of Bar Mitzvah dancers showed up for Seth Hirschfeld's big day and the Super Bowl producers were like “you're on in five. Don't forget to play Coke-Pepsi.”
Also, ESPN had this poll:
I'd love to know who graded them with an “A.” Where are you, make believe people? I actually have a suspicion that it was ‘ the Native American-looking member of the group just voting over and over again. That's pretty much the deal they made with him to let him stay in the band. Also, sorry, die-hard B.E.P fans, for not knowing his name. I just assume the guys that are not Will.i.Am and Fergie are named “Fergie 2” and “Fergie 3.” For the record, I also assume Dr. Seuss is pulling the strings here.
AlI that said, I know one person who enjoyed the show:
Tell me about it, sister. I love that this was retweeted over 100 times. “I can't express my thoughts on the halftime show in a clear concise manner, but Martha Stewart really nailed it by saying exactly what happened. Retweet.” -100+ people.
Also, Slash. Oh jeez, Slash. I know your favorite word is “Yes,” but c'mon, this is a bit much. Here's every conversation Slash has had in the past ten years.
Anybody: Slash, we're gonna need you for—
Slash: I'm in.
I like how Slash has made a career out of emerging out of nowhere. If Ghostbusters 3 ever happens, Slash will be playing the part of Stay Puft.
Anyway, after the ads and the Martha Stewart-approved halftime show, football happened. And it was a pretty good game! Packers won, which is great because had the Steelers won, we'd all be conflicted about how to respond to Ben Roethlisberger being a national hero. I'm not trying to defend the guy. He's in no way defendable. I mean, here's what he was calling at the line last night:
But still. After last night, let's call a moratorium on Ben Roethlisberger rape jokes. RIP Fun, I know. But let's move on. The season's over, the good guy won, and the terrible man came in second place and will go home and count his money. Then he will likely continue to bed hundreds of women – all of whom he met when the government mandated that he introduce himself to all his neighbors when he bought his most recent house.
That good guy in question? Aaron Rodgers. Isn't it terrible that I'm this far into the Super Bowl recap and this is the first I've mentioned the game's MVP? I guess. But let's face it, I'm not shedding any new light on the game or the players. If you've read these recaps before, I've casually covered everything that needs to be covered already. I'm tired and I need to get some rest before football starts again in 2014.
And with that, I'll leave you with the Packers biggest fan, who watched the game from afar.
RIP street cred. And RIP 2010 NFL season. You've been my Valentine.