The Oscars Recap: And The Award For Biggest Snoozefest Goes To…

Wow. What a wild ride! The highs. The lows. And the upsets. How about those underdogs! And remember the time when (insert random charismatic celebrity) did that thing? Oh boy that was entertaining. The Oscars sure know how to entertain. ‘

JK JK JK JK JK JK JK. C'mon, JK infinity on that one. None of that happened. Not even the charismatic celebrity part, which is kind of amazing when you consider how many charismatic celebrities were in attendance. I mean, couldn't THIS GUY have done anything to get the crowd revved up? ‘

Ohhh. ‘

To be fair, we did witness a dead person walk on stage and yet nobody seemed to notice. Get with it Oscars crowd! That’s huuuge.

Anyway, on to the actual show! ‘

How about those hosts? They did a pretty solid job of existing. Nobody's gonna deny that. But we could've done without one of them, if you know what I mean. One of them was, how do I say this ‘not James Franco. ‘

Because that guy. Oh man, that guy. If there's anyone who knows how to host a show while always looking like someone's blowing in his eyes, it's that guy. ‘

Franco just seemed like he was having a good time. Hosting the Oscars was probably relaxing for him — a nice break from his other jobs, which include acting, student, writer, cab driver, stay puft marshmallow man, street meat vendor, club promoter, prize-fighter, and James Franco impersonator. ‘

Hell, I would've watched James Franco host these with his grandma. No, that's not a lame zinger. That's the truth. Did you see his Grandma in the audience? Goodness that woman is adorable. Get her a microphone. Get her a role in a movie where she gets naked with Jake Gyllenhaal. No, that's not me inexplicably admitting my sexual attraction to James Franco's grandmother; that's my way of saying let's phase out Anne Hathaway in the general sense and replace her with Mama Franco. ‘ ‘

Sorry, that’s not fair to Hathaway. She brought a lot to the table last night. Here’s a statistical breakdown:

So I know I’ve already pointed out how boring these awards were – and they were. That’s not in debate – BUT there was one part that was arguably the funniest moment in years. After some lady talked about the untelevised honors, which included the technical awards, Franco came back on stage and very calmly went “Congratulations Nerds.” Amazing. Seriously. How this was not the headline on every news site this morning is ridiculous. Maybe they need to see it said by his character in Freaks and Geeks.

There we go. ‘
Anyway, the awards themselves. Let's recap and leave out the things I've already forgotten about, shall we? ‘

The King’s Speech won for best snoozefest. Not that it wasn’t good. I have nothing against The King’s Speech. But that’s the problem, and why it was likely the big winner last night. There’s nothing objectionable about it. The entire movie is pretty much Colin Firth feeling uneasy and then looking at Geoffrey Rush, who then nods slowly in approval. Plus, it was probably the third best thing to be filmed on a gay porn set. The first being the gay porn (surprisingly touching score) and that infamous episode of Mad About You.

Whatever. Congrats to The King's Speech. I was thrilled to see Uncle Fester so happy. ‘

The best adapted screenplay went to Aaron Sorkin, who reprised his role as major blowhard when accepting the award. My respect level for him actually skyrocketed during his acceptance speech. The producers gave him like eight seconds to thank people before they started playing him out. But then he was like “Come at me, bro” and continued to talk for what seemed like a half hour, not even acknowledging the music. Dude's hard. ‘

Best Costume Design: ‘

Toy Story 3. Okay, this didn't win. Something probably did, but who gives a shit? I'm glad whoever won is good at making clothes (so is The Gap). But this is the movie awards, so let's talk about movies. Like ‘Toy Story 3. I know I'm biased because I'm someone who likes enjoyable things, but shouldn't this have won every award this year and every year? “Yes. Good point, Dan. You should run the Hollywoods.” — everyone

Best Actress: ‘

Natalie Portman. I'm tired of pregnant women getting special treatment. ‘

Best Actor: ‘

Firth. I know I was complaining about ‘The King's Speech ‘earlier, but the guy really did nail it. Though I have a sneaking suspicion this is one of those awards that are meant to make up for a snub he got earlier in his career. ‘

Best Short:

Normally, I wouldn’t include fake awards in a recap like this, but the winner, Luke Matheny needs to be addressed. It was really great that he could come out and give his Bar Mitzvah speech.

Does Charlie Sheen have a publicist? Who's doing facepalms right now? Maybe they were out of town for a few years and didn't know what was going on, and Sheen called them up and was like “The Today Show wants to do an expose on winning.” And they were like “Those trolls again? Sure, tell them about how you cured things with your brains.” That's pretty much how it went. Obviously. ‘

• Okay, actually I change my mind. A few more quick thoughts: ‘
  Corey Haim was a glaring omission from the In Memoriam. No joke here. Just a prediction that if Corey Feldman is included next year, there will be riots.
• I loved that Billy Crystal came out at one point. I don't know exactly what he said. All I heard was “this is how it's done.” ‘
• Remember when they brought out the ghost of Bob Hope? Well done, producers. It was great how you ruined his legacy. ‘
• Mila Kunis. That's all. Just wanted to write her name. ‘

‘
Aaaaaand we're done. Ok thanks bye. ‘