By: Paul Danke
The Art Of Coming Off Casual: cut off jean shorts
Well gang spring is almost here, the birds are chirping, grass is getting cut, basically all kinds of bullshit is waking me up before 10:30, whatareyougonnado? You get up, curse the day and put on your pants one leg at a time ‘ but wait just a damned second. Isn’t it a little hot for pants? Are you not unemployed? Are you not a person seeking, nay DEMANDING, a casual clothing situation? Who are you showing off for anyway, hotshot? From Tom Sawyer to Angus Young to Daisy Duke, shorts are undeniable. Everyone wears ’em – well, except I remember this one episode of The Sopranos where Carmine Lupertazzi criticizes Tony Soprano saying, “Don’s don’t wear shorts,” but that old piece of shit died on a golf course eating egg salad*, so fuck him. Time to rock some ‘ CUT OFF JEAN SHORTS.
Cut off jean shorts or cutoffs or (scoff) jorts send a sartorially independent message. They’re your way of saying, “Hell yeah it’s hot out, but I’m broke baby!” In this economy let’s face it, we’re all trying to save a couple bucks. All of us, literally all of us, are broke. So let’s own it, let’s call it broke-chic and let some other asshole blog pick it up and run with it, blow up the whole damned thing. Make it tres elegant! Oh and by the by, to hell with this merry-go-round of shorts-trends. Fifty-five dollars for shorts? Go fuck yourself shorts industry! (Macy’s, Tilly’s, any retail outlet with an apostrophe in it.) But beyond the financial benefits, think of the quality craft time you can squeeze in!
Do you have a hobby? Of course not, the only hobby anyone has anymore is jacking it to old school hip-hop videos (just me?). Cut off shorts are something you can make yourself, show a little pride in your work. It’s this type of ingenuity that once made America great. USA! USA! But don’t you go buying these things in a store! I swear to you I will track you down like an animal and destroy you, and don’t give me that, “stimulating the economy” shit either. No. Nothing is less laid back than spending money TRYING to look like you’re broke. Fucking poser, piss off. No thank you. AND DO NOT LET ME CATCH YOU WITH HEMMED CUT OFFS EITHER! Sorry I got worked up, but hey, what about the stunning visual aesthetic of cut off jean shorts? That should be considered too!
The elegant fringes blowing in the breeze, the delicate tickling of your leg hairs, the easy-sexiness of the broken in dungarees holding your ass; the threadbare seat is like a denim-Nostradamus saying, “Stick around long enough, stare hard enough and one day a little slice of that ass-cheek is gonna pop out them jeans.” You don’t want to miss that! On top of that there’s a lack of pretension to wearing shorts that you made yourself. Maybe one leg is cut a little longer than the other, or the cut is uneven around the leg (that shit is impossible to get right). Fuck it, all this is saying is, “hey I’m a regular person, I eat microwave dinners, I like Leonardo Dicaprio movies and I use protection MOST of the time.” And hey, most of the time is still pretty damned good.
Jeans are an American tradition, and what could make them MORE American than some Mickey Mouse alteration job? We live for this shit! Celebrate that which is homemade, that which is worn, like Old Glory herself, tattered and battled but ever-present, unwavering ‘ the cut off jean short.
*Egg salad is delicious, no disrespect